Case #2.20: "The Best Years of Your Life"

Back in the day, this was probably billed as "a very special episode of 21 Jump Street" for reasons that will soon become obvious. 

On a suburban street after dark, Tom and Doug are sitting in some bushes. Tom watches a house through a pair of binoculars. Doug is tired of hiding in the bushes. Tom says they're staying because their burglar likes to rob empty houses and no one is home across the street. The kid has robbed 20 houses in 3 weeks. The last cops to get close lost the suspect after chasing him through 6 blocks' worth of backyards.

A station wagon pulls up to the house. Its driver mows down the garbage cans and parks on the sidewalk. Walker Stevenson, a mulleted teenage boy, gets out. Doug recognizes Walker from his bio class. Walker breaks through one of the windows on the front door with what looks like a fencepost. He goes inside and starts flipping on lights. We can hear him smashing things.

Doug declares that Walker is the worst burglar he's ever seen and realizes the kid is drunk. Walker turns on the stereo in the house and begins blasting music. Tom and Doug are pretty sure this isn't their cat burglar and their suspect won't show up now anyway.

Tom radios for Harry to take down Walker. Squad cars surround the house within seconds. The officers nab Walker as he steps onto the front porch. "Lemme go!" Walker yells, "You're gonna ruin everything!" He kicks one of the officers for good measure. Harry tells Walker that he's under arrest. Walker attempts to go after Harry before he's put in a police car.

In the Taft High School cafeteria the next day, Walker is sporting a black eye and a fat lip from his tussle with the cops. A young Brad Pitt with long hair asks why Walker didn't inviting his friends to his little burglary party. Walker tells him to stuff it. "Diana," whines Brad Pitt, "your brother's being mean to me." Diana takes her brother's side because Walker had to spend the night in jail.

A guy with a black mullet and ugly shirt taunts that prison changes a man. Walker glares and says, "You can all drop dead." Including the sister who stuck up for you? Nice. 

At another table, Tom and Doug discuss the case. Doug repeats that he doesn't think Walker is their cat burglar. Tom goes to try and console Walker: "I've been to jail 3 times. It's no big deal....The worst you're gonna get is 6 months probation and maybe some family counseling. It's nothing." Walker disagrees and adds, "I'm screwed no matter what I do." Walker leaves the table.

Tom takes his spot. Diana says things are really bad for Walker; he won't even talk to her. Brad Pitt asks if Tom's really been to jail. Tom says, "Maybe next time I go to jail, you guys can go with me." Brad Pitt looks all too excited about this prospect.

At the Chapel, Cap'n Rufus calls Doug and Tom from Walker's house with bad news: Walker is dead. Furthermore, "He was found with a hunting rifle between his knees and a note on the table." Doug sits up a little straighter, looking disturbed. Theme song.

The next morning at Taft, Brad Pitt angrily confronts a teacher or principal; he wants the flag lowered to half-mast because of Walker's death. "That's for heroes," the authority figure icily informs him. 

A large group of students have crammed into what looks like the school's band/choir room; most are seated on the risers but some are on the floor. A bald grief counselor, tells the kids they can't hold themselves responsible for Walker's suicide. Doug whispers to Tom that Walker is, however, responsible for making him sit through this assembly. The grief counselor shares some statistics about suicide. He makes the case that most people who attempt suicide are not trying to die; they're crying out for help.

The grief counselor then shares a bizarre, morbid, historically questionable story about suicide laws. In England, the body of a person who committed suicide would be dragged naked through the street and buried at a crossroads with a stake through the heart. To me, that sounds like a cross between vampire lore and A Christmas Carol. 

"It's okay to talk about it. It's okay to be PISSED OFF! It's okay to be MAD!" says the grief counselor. I'm pretty convinced he's not actually licensed to do this, but rather someone on a day pass from the local mental hospital. He wraps up the session by saying he'll be around for a few days if any of the kids want to talk to him.

Tom asks his boss what could possibly make a 16-year-old kid kill himself. Cap'n Rufus doesn't have an easy answer. Tom doesn't want to spend his career worrying that the next kid he arrests will commit suicide and feels like he helped kill Walker. Tom describes the school as "All-American High", where the kids "aren't too rich, aren't too poor, aren't too anything." Sure, some kids drink or do drugs, but nobody seems to have serious addiction problems.

Tom, in a dress shirt and sport coat, knocks on Doug's door and Dorothy answers. "He's all yours," she says, referring to Doug. Doug is in the living room whaling on a punching bag, wearing sweatpants and his JUST SAY NO T-shirt. Tom remarks that Doug isn't dressed. "What am I, boxing in the nude?" Doug snarks. 

Tom reminds him about Walker's funeral. "School's out for the day, I'm off," says Doug. He takes a flower out of one of Dorothy's flowerpots, telling his partner to toss it on Walker's grave. Tom leaves. Doug gives the punching bag another solid hit, causing it to swing into a floor lamp.

The funeral procession arrives in the graveyard. Doug narrates the cold facts of the police report, describing the exact time and date that Walker's body was discovered by the family's maid. The crime scene itself is also described in vivid detail. Paramedics were called even though the responding officer was fairly certain that Walker was dead.

The scene changes back to Casa de Penhall. Doug sits on his couch with Walker's file on his lap. He closes the report and flops against the back of the couch with a sigh.

The grief counselor/possible mental patient from school sits at the squadroom table. He describes Walker's suicide note as "pretty standard." Even though this is an undercover investigation, Tom called the counselor in for an expert opinion. It seems to the counselor that part of Walker wanted to live, part of him didn't. "Except the part of him that wanted to die used a hunting rifle," Doug points out. The counselor explains that some people want to make sure they die, while others want to make sure they're found in time.

Tom still wants to know why Walker killed himself. Doug sums it up as "because he was a loser." The counselor lists off a myriad of other problems Walker could've had the made him feel suicide was the only way out. He tells them that one of his patients recently died of an antidepressant overdose. "What did she do, chuckle herself to death?" Doug wants to know. His remark is greeted with blank stares. 

Doug offers another theory: "Maybe she was so happy she exploded." Tom asks, "Are you done?" Doug laughs maniacally. Tom barks at him to shut up. Doug leaves. Cap'n Rufus apologizes for Doug. 

Doug is now upstairs in the locker room, where he runs into Judy. He asks if she's ever thought of committing suicide, "not think about it seriously, but seriously ever think about it." Judy thinks everybody thinks about it at some point. "Not me," Doug says, slamming his locker. 

Later that night at Casa de Penhall, Dorothy is in the kitchen wearing a who-shot-the-couch bathrobe. Doug tells her the following joke: 

"This guy, he's been goin' to this psychiatrist for years, right? And one day, he walks in, he says, 'Doc, I've been givin' it a lotta thought and it's not your fault, but I'm gonna kill myself. I don't want you to try to stop me. I just wanted you to know.' So the doc says, 'I can respect that, but there's just one thing I want you to do for me. The circus is in town and there's this clown Grimaldi who's gonna be there. He's funny. He's amazing. All I want you to do is go to the circus. And if you still wanna kill yourself, even after seeing Grimaldi, then...okay. I won't try to stop you.' The guy says, 'But, Doc, I'm Grimaldi.'"

Not surprisingly, Dorothy doesn't laugh. "I thought it was gonna be a joke," she says. Doug can't believe she doesn't get it. Dorothy repeats that it wasn't funny. "You never get any of my jokes. You don't think I'm funny," Doug says. He takes it further: Dorothy has no sense of humor because having one requires intelligence. Dorothy tells him to take it back. Doug won't. Dorothy lets him know he's been a real pain in the ass and storms out, slamming the apartment door behind her. "It was just a joke!" he calls to the empty room.

Later, Tom and Doug are at a party. Doug cracks a beer while a girl asks Tom if Walker told him that he was planning to commit suicide. Tom says no. He learns that another kid who knew Walker committed suicide recently. This one was hit by a train and it was declared an accident, but who accidentally lies down on railroad tracks? Someone else heard the kid was in his car when it happened. "I love these rumors," Doug slurs, "I heard he was carried off by a giant vulture." 

Over by the pool table, a girl practices her prison inking skills on her friend. Both are dressed like lost members of Vixen. Tom notices the girl getting the skull tattoo has scars on her wrist, most likely from cutting herself. The girl doing the inking lists off kids they know who've attempted suicide or contemplated it. Tom still doesn't get why. 

"It's like giving your folks notice," Skull Tattoo explains. "'I'm not kidding. I'm not taking any more of this crap.'" The amateur tattoo artist couldn't kill herself but she likes to get really drunk and drive crazy, "let fate decide."

At a different pool table, Doug expresses his opinion that Walker killed himself because "he just wimped out." Brad Pitt gets upset, somehow overcomes the difference in weight class, and shoves Doug against the wall. He delivers an ultimatum: "If you don't have anything decent to say, you shut your mouth, drink your beer...or you leave." Doug doesn't want to be there anyway.

At Casa de Penhall, Doug takes off his shoes and puts on some workout music. He starts hitting the punching bag again, this time with his bare knuckles. After wearing himself out, he sits at the coffee table and cleans his service revolver. He stares at it for a long moment, then rests his forehead in one hand.

Tom informs his boss about the other suicide at Taft High and how it was reported as an accident. The grief counselor says there's a stigma about suicide, so people lie. Cap'n Rufus remembers there was a time in his career when the police would've written off Walker's death as a hunting accident, even though he died in his living room. Tom describes the kids at the party who had scars and death tattoos, which were looked at as badges of honor. He worries that more suicides could happen soon.

Tom asks the grief counselor about warning signs to look for. The counselor lists hostile behavior, mood swings, promiscuity, drug/alcohol abuse, and alienation from friends. Some of those describe Doug pretty well right now. The most important thing Tom can do if he thinks someone is at risk is to be a friend and listen.

Doug enters the office and Tom says it was nice of him to come to work. Doug's wearing the same thing he had on at the party the night before. "Suicide High ain't no case and I ain't workin' on it no more," Doug declares. The student cat burglar has been caught; he and Tom couldn't find him because the kid had just transferred out of Taft. Doug is caught up on his paperwork and asks to take a personal day. 

Walker's sister Diana walks down the sidewalk with a younger boy, presumably their brother. "I hate him for leaving us," the kid, Mitchell, says. He thinks Walker committed suicide because he hated them.

In the Taft High cafeteria, Brad Pitt informs Tom that he missed another seminar on suicide prevention. They were given the "homework" of staying alive until the next day. Skull Tattoo has nothing to look forward to because she's done every drug except heroin. She's also been drunk numerous times and had sex with various boys. Keith tells Skull Tattoo that his parents are going on vacation and he's having a party, "so it'd be a waste to kill yourself before then." 

Outside, Tom has a heart-to-heart with Skull Tattoo (Vicky). She repeats that she has nothing to look forward to and wants out, one way or another. Vicky thinks she's a loser and that everyone else think she's a loser, so she can't go to a friend or a counselor. Tom's been talking to the grief counselor and it makes him feel better. "How could he know anything?" Vicky asks. Tom takes Vicky up to the counselor's office. 

Doug turns off his rock music and fishes for another tape. He puts it in, cranks the volume, and Italian opera fills the room. Doug answers the door to find Tom, who can't believe his best friend is listening to opera. He lets Doug know that he's being a jerk. "Well, you shoulda phoned. I coulda hung up on ya 'stead of having to throw ya out," Doug says.

Tom thinks his partner is selfish; while Tom was helping Vicky, Doug was at home listening to opera. Doug counters, "I know more about suicide than you ever will." "You know more about making stupid jokes," Tom fires back. 

Doug shakes his head. Tom asks what's wrong with him. Doug lets a bombshell drop, angrily shouting, "My mother killed herself when I was 6!" Tom is stunned.

Up on the roof, Doug tells Tom about the day his mom died. All Doug knew at the time was something bad had happened to his mom, bad enough that the police were there. Doug had been worried that his mom might be going to jail. 

Doug spent her funeral with his shoes untied because his mom always tied them for him. Little Doug would stay at the playground until dark because he didn't want to go home and see his mom wasn't there. Doug's dad would have to go get him.

Tom notices his partner's raw knuckles. "My father," Doug goes on, "he had been a priest, so he couldn't kill himself. Instead, he just drank himself to death." Tom is sorry to hear that. Doug waves the remark off with another joke: "I tie my own shoes now. Every morning. Sometimes in the day too." Poignant piano music accompanies his declaration that he's never told anyone about his mom before.

Peter DeLuise played the whole rooftop scene beautifully. No melodrama or hysteria after the initial outburst, but just the right tone of voice to show that he's still deeply affected by not initially understanding where his mom was or what had happened to her.

Later that night, Doug sleeps restlessly on the couch. Suddenly, he sits up and grabs a bag off the coffee table, knocking everything else over in the process. The next thing we see is his motorcycle zooming down the street. 

In the squadroom, Tom sits quietly at his desk, staring off into space. Fuller asks if he's okay. Tom likens Walker to a slot machine with a 1 in 1 million shot that all the wrong things will line up. That's a troubling, not to mention incorrect, analogy. He's made peace with the fact that he'll never know why Walker committed suicide.

Dorothy comes in, asking if Cap'n Rufus or Tom have seen Doug. Neither of them has. Dorothy left because the apartment because she and Doug had a fight. She tried calling and no one answered; the police department said to look at the Chapel. "I know everywhere else he goes, but I went to those places already," says Dorothy, clearly worried. Tom glances up meaningfully.

It's after dark now and Tom's walking through the playground. He finds Doug leaning against his parked bike over by the jungle gym. Tom comments that Doug's a hard guy to find and that Dorothy is concerned about him. Doug wants to tell Tom something. Tom gets a deer-in-the-headlights look in his eyes, clearly thinking: "What now?"

Doug makes a confession to his partner: he tried to commit suicide when he was 8 years old by drinking a bottle of vanilla extract. Tom thinks that's kind of cute. Doug is rather calm as he says, "Well...I didn't mean for it to be cute. I meant to kill myself." Tom looks away, unsure of what to say or do next.

With tears in his eyes, Doug says his mom was an alcoholic and hard to live with. His Catholic guilt kicked in when he began to feel that life was easier without her. Being the tender age of 6, Doug believed that he caused his mother to kill herself by not loving her enough. To atone for that, he would eat vegetables to make her happy in heaven.

He tells Tom he made a deal with God to bring his mom back if he was a good boy, but it never happened. Doug didn't talk to his father for months after his mother's death, thinking it would bring her back. He admits that he was hard to handle for a while..."some 20-odd years" in total.

"Maybe that's my excuse for actin' like I'm 6 sometimes," Doug finishes. Tom apologizes for not noticing his best friend's pain. He asks if Doug has ever seen a psychiatrist or anything. "I don't need to see nobody about this," Doug scoffs, "I dealt with this a long time ago. I just thought it might help you." He asks if Tom's brave enough to take a motorcycle ride home with him: "Somebody's gotta help me eat Dorothy's terrible meatballs." Doug fires up the bike and Tom climbs on the back.

Brad Pitt, Mitchell, Diana, and friends visit Walker's grave. Tom joins them. We cut to some sort of grief support group, where Brad Pitt, et. al are present. The session is winding down and the therapist asks if anyone else has anything to say. "Yeah," says Doug's voice, "I wanna talk. My mother killed herself when I was 6..." End of episode.

Case #2.19: "Raising Marijuana"

On the docks at night, men move large blue-wrapped bundles of something around. A mustached man with a flashlight approaches a group of boys who are lined up and asks, "16-18 years old?" Two grin and hold up their IDs. The dock worker continues, "You gotta be able to drive. You gotta be able to be bailed out. I don't want anyone callin' your parents." This after-school job seems legit.

The dock worker leads the boys off. Two stay behind: Denim Jacket and Down Vest. "Ganja, mon," says Denim Jacket, confirming my hunch. One of them slaps a magnetic decal that says Port Albert Lumber onto a pickup truck. Denim Jacket tells his friend he'll see him at breakfast and drives off. 

A party is going on at a large, modern cabin in the woods. The owner takes a phone call and asks a boy in an ugly sweater to find someone named Bob.

On some stretch of road, Denim Jacket has been pulled over by the police for speeding. "Write it up, I'll keep an eye on it," the kid says and tries to walk away. The cop grabs his jacket and asks what's in the truck. Denim Jacket says it's just stuff. "Stuff of an agricultural nature?" asks the cop. The kid looks confused by such a big word.

The cop informs Denim Jacket that there's a fruit fly quarantine and goes to see what's in the truck. He opens the camper top, reaches inside, and sniffs at his fingers. Denim Jacket sighs and slumps against the truck, realizing he's caught. "This sure ain't peat moss," quips the cop. Theme song.

Judy's date screams at her in the middle of a very nice restaurant: "I don't need this from you! I take you to a nice place, I expect you to act accordingly!" People are staring. Judy looks embarrassed, as would I, and slightly scared. She asks Tony to calm down, to which he responds, "SHUT UP, JUDY!" Aw, hell naw! The waiter says the restaurant doesn't want trouble. "THEN BACK OFF!" bellows Tony.

Judy wants Tony to sit down. Tony says they're leaving and takes a few more gulps of wine. When Judy stands up, he pushes her back into her chair. A man in a brown leather jacket informs Tony that it's time for him to leave; Tony refuses initially, but backs down after a staring contest. 

Judy sighs. Leather Jacket says she's welcome. "You don't know what you just did," Judy says. The cabin owner from earlier approaches and offers to pay Judy's bill. He's exuding this kind of To Catch a Predator vibe, but Judy must not notice because she accepts.

Later, Judy is standing on the cabin's back deck drinking a glass of wine. The owner, Charles, joins her. He's still creepy and she still doesn't catch on. 

Cap'n Rufus says highway patrol pulled over a kid named Cole who was hauling 1,200 pounds of marijuana. He thinks Cole is working for a major trafficker named Charles Green and hands them a mugshot; it's Charles the cabin owner. But seriously? He grows pot and his last name is Green? That's just lazy writing. 

Judy is typing on a computer at her desk, closely watched by Tony, the guy who was screaming at her in the restaurant. It turns out the date from hell was a set-up to see if Charles would pick up Judy. Tony is a narcotics detective. The investigation into Charles is a joint operation between narcotics and Jump Street division because of Charles using juveniles. "The way to get Charles is on CCE, operating a continuing criminal enterprise," Tony says.

Tony's plan will require a lot of paperwork. He'll write down all the "names, places, and faces" Judy gives him and they'll see if any of them will tie to one specific enterprise. Cap'n Rufus agrees to the plan.

Harry complains that he doesn't know anything about boats. Doug says, "I'm going to Surfer High and I don't even tan." Harry thinks they'll be the biggest geeks in school. "Hey! I think we are!" Doug exclaims.

At the high school, Denim Jacket AKA Cole regales his friends with the story of the stupid cop who thought he was hauling peat moss. Doug looks up from an art project. His hair is messy, he has a fake mole, and he's wearing a green-and-blue striped polo shirt. The art teacher tells the students to get back to work on their sculptures. Enter Harry in a shirt that matches Doug's.

Harry tosses Doug a roll of paper towels and some masking tape. They stretch the paper towels around the classroom making a sort of marathon finish line. The teacher asks what they're doing. "This is art class, right?" Doug says. Harry adds, "We're doing art." Uh, I thought they were going for geeky, not mentally challenged? 

Doug and Harry introduce themselves as the Swark twins. How stupid do they think this teacher is? Harry and Doug say they're the product of an interracial marriage and were born 2 minutes apart in 2 different countries. 

After school, Doug and Harry approach Cole. Cole says, "You guys are not twins. And you can't be this geeky. Nobody can be this geeky." Again, "geeky" isn't the word I would use. Also, nobody running drugs would want help from the guys who seem like they ride a special bus to school; this is ridiculous. Harry and Doug have somehow managed to get invited to a keg party at the beach. They start finishing each other's sentences again, saying that they don't like the beach or water, but they like beer.

Cole says with a straight face, "These guys kill me." Harry says, "It's not the first time." Doug adds, "We killed a family of 6 in Oregon." Then they leave.

Judy watches the sunset from the back deck of Charles' cabin. She goes to the living room, where Charles is playing with a remote-controlled car. This only ups the creepy factor for me. I don't know how Judy is managing to flirt with him. A mulleted man in a sweater sends Charles downstairs and asks to frisk Judy. "Excuse me?" she says. But she does allow him to frisk her and go through her purse. 

Sweater Mullet brings up the guy Judy had been with at the restaurant: "What's his name? What does he do?" Judy says Tony does "import/export, the powder kind." When Charles comes back, Judy tells him about the frisking. Charles shrugs and says, "That's Bob." He tells Judy she can leave if she doesn't like what goes on.

At the keg party, Cole and his blond friend ask Doug and Harry to explain the twin thing. This time, the story is that they were adopted at the same time by the same parents. Some twins look alike, some don't. They tell Cole that they liked the story he told in art class and they want to publish it in a collection of short stories. So they're journalists now? Are they trying to pull a Supernatural? 

Harry and Doug then say that they're looking for jobs. Cole lists the local options: making burgers for $3.25 an hour, lifeguarding for $7 an hour, or making "a night run for 1,000 bucks." Harry and Doug are excited about the prospect of that much money. Cole adds, "But we don't know you." Doug says, "That could be remedied. You could come over for dinner and meet the triplets." Harry corrects, "They're quints now." 

Doug thinks Cole is strange. I'm sure Cole thinks worse of him and Doug. They ask Cole to get them a job. Cole says, "Maybe." When they walk away, Harry tells Doug that he doesn't get the "we're twins" cover story. Neither do I. I know Doug isn't the brightest guy, but he cannot be that stupid to come up with something so nonsensical.

The captain is practicing his putting when Tony comes in. He lets Cap'n Rufus know Charles used some connections at another precinct to check on him and Judy. Fortunately, they had the foresight to set Tony up with a fake criminal record.

At a diner, Charles and Judy enjoy burgers and fries with champagne. Tom the owner calls Charles over to answer the phone. "Great, who's in jail now?" grumbles Charles. Bob eyes up Judy. He's glad she came back. Bob tells her what a nice, generous guy he is. A lot of Charles' "employees" went to high school together; when Charles gets lonely, he comes down to the living room in the middle of the night to find someone to talk to. Charles is sounding more like a part-time dealer and full-time predator every minute.

Charles hangs up the phone and comes back to the table. He has business guidelines: no guns, integrity, and only use people you trust. He recruits local kids because they can't do as much jail time and they need the money. The most important part of the "business" is reading people. He thinks Judy is a good person.

Cole, his blond friend, Harry, and Doug enter the deserted school gym. Cole asks if they're narcs; Doug and Harry say no. They ask about the job again, promising not to screw it up or embarrass Cole. Cole doesn't know if he can help them.

At the Chapel, Judy tells Tony about her outing to the diner. She sees bizarre nobility in the fact that Charles doesn't use guns and won't do business with people who do. Tony tells Judy not to kid herself; Charles is in a high-stakes business and will kill her if he finds out she's undercover.

Judy and Charles play a rousing game of Nerf basketball in the living room at Creepy Cabin. Charles flops onto the couch. Bob sets up monitors so they can't be wiretapped. Charles exclaims that he loves his job and asks if Judy wants to do something silly. Sillier than Nerf basketball?

The "something silly" turns out to be letting some kids take his remote-controlled boat for a spin around the shallow part of the lake. Icky! Judy slips away to a payphone to advise someone, presumably Cap'n Rufus or Tony, about that night's shipment. Charles jogs over and wants to know who she was calling; Judy says it was just her ex-boyfriend Tony. Tony wanted to get back together but she said no because she's happy with Charles.

Judy tells Cap'n Rufus that she couldn't get out of Charles' place until 4 AM. She thinks this job is insane and Rufus wouldn't ask Doug to do something like this (pretend to be in love with someone); Rufus would if the case called for it. Not to mention, it's completely unbelievable that Judy could even remotely find Charles anything but a borderline pervert. Judy doesn't like toying with someone's feelings because it's emotionally dangerous to her.

Cap'n Rufus is willing to shut down the case if it makes her that uncomfortable. That's also uncharacteristic for the by-the-book captain who doesn't want his detectives to let their emotions interfere with work. She and Rufus leave the office. Tony updates them that the narcotics bureau wants to start taking down Charles' major customers. He wants Judy to find out about the plan and last night's shipment "naturally." Tony knows Charles will eventually slip up and wants Judy there when it happens.

Judy gazes out of one of the large upstairs windows in Creepy Cabin. Charles cuddles up to her. He asks if Judy wants to go away for the weekend. Bob tells Charles that last night's ship bringing in marijuana had to be scuttled and the crew got arrested. Bob says they haven't lost a shipment in a year and a half; something is going on.

In the art room, Cole wants to know what Doug and Harry need money for. They say they want to invest in franchises. Cole thinks owning their own business sounds like a good idea.

Elsewhere, Tony watches some men loading a truck with bundles of marijuana wrapped in blue tarps. When the truck drives away, Tony comes out of hiding. He talks to one of the men, who says they got the truck on video. Three unmarked police cars with cherry-drop lights arrive. The uniformed officers open fire on the men, leaving a pile of dead bodies behind.

Judy and Charles sit by a campfire in the woods. His business is going downhill, but he still really likes Judy. They're about to kiss when Bob interrupts them. He takes Charles up to the house to talk business. Judy says she wants to stay there by herself and will be up later. She puts a trash bag whose contents we can't see into the campfire. 

Bob comes back with another bag to burn. "I really care about Charles," he says, "A lot. If this is gonna end up hurting him, do yourself a favor and end" He'd do anything to keep Charles from getting hurt.

Judy hands Cap'n Rufus a Metropolitan Police uniform shirt. Bob was burning a bunch of them the night before. Rufus informs her that Tony and the other men who were killed were undercover narcotics officers. According to the only survivor, the shooters were wearing police uniforms. Judy realizes that surprise, surprise, Charles really IS a bad guy!

At school, Cole and his still unnamed blond friend are poring over brochures for franchise restaurants like International Doughnut Boutique. The cheapest franchise would cost $125,000 to buy. They plan to steal the entire truckload of marijuana and sell it to make the down payment. "Bad plan, you'll die," says Doug. 

Bob lectures the boys about being careful because of Cole getting pulled over for speeding. An army of patrol cars pulls in. Cole and his friend make a getaway by ramming the car trying to block them in.

At Creepy Cabin, Charles tells Judy about the raid. She follows him down to his private dock. He says she doesn't have to come; she can visit him sometime. Bob calls from the boat to see if Charles is ready to go. Fuller and another army of cops come to search Creepy Cabin.

Judy is on the boat with Charles and Bob. They're going 12 miles out to a freighter that's waiting in international waters, where they can't be touched. Bob wants to go to Rio. Judy pulls her gun and tells Bob that he's under arrest. Bob hits her and steals her gun. 

"There are people coming," Judy says as Bob forces her to walk down the stairs. Charles asks what's going on; Bob tells him that Judy is a cop. Bob shoves Judy toward the railing, probably intending to kill her and dump her overboard. Before Bob can do anything, Charles shoots him and Bob falls into the water. 

Judy goes into the interrogation room with Charles. He says, "You've brought the big, bad criminal to justice. Maybe we can do it right here in the police station." Dude, don't flatter yourself. Judy looks sad.

Cole and his friend are happily driving down a country road in their truck full of dope. They come to a stop behind a long line of cars. "Oh, Kevin, dude, I think we got a problem," says Cole. A sign by the side of the road reads FRUIT FLY QUARANTINE CHECKPOINT. End of episode.

Case #2.18: "Brother Hanson and the Miracle of Renner's Pond"

A person wielding a flashlight stalks into a darkened classroom. The figure makes off with a cartload of biology textbooks and wheels them down the hall. Out on the school lawn, the textbooks are thrown into a pile, doused with a liquid, and set on fire. And I know where this episode is going: the old evolution vs. creationism argument...And I'm not even going there.

Case #2.17: "Champagne High"

At a mall, a radio DJ stands in the middle of the lower concourse, a shiny red Porsche parked nearby. The DJ is about to give the car away. Elsewhere in the mall, Judy and her new boyfriend(?) Lane are looking at sunglasses. He ends up stealing a pair from the kiosk. They go to the food court pizzeria for lunch, where Ricky the counter boy makes eyes at Judy. Lane gives Ricky a hard time for looking at Judy and demands his drink.

The Porsche contest begins. A blond girl named Melissa has her name drawn. She goes to grab a key out of a fishbowl, put it in the Porsche, and see if it will start. My dad actually won a car that way when I was kid. The Porsche doesn't start. The DJ announces that they'll draw another name in an hour.

A boy named Drew joins Lane and Judy to watch the car giveaway. As the crowd disperses, Drew says he's going home to study. Lane makes fun of Drew for studying every night of the week. After closing, somebody somehow finds the correct key to the Porsche. The flashy car is driven across the interior of the mall before breaking through the glass front doors. Theme song.

At the Chapel, Doug is eager to work the Porsche theft, mostly because he filled out 2,500 entry forms. Judy doesn't think Lane is behind the theft. Cap'n Rufus brings up a matter that relates more closely to the Jump Street program: South Central High School is overcrowded. Its extra students are being bussed across town to attend ritzy Westside High. In the words of Doug, this move is "turning the once-blissful community into a crime-infested hellhole."

The former South Central students are being blamed for a recent rash of burglaries on the west side. Since the Porsche incident, the police chief has had "a radio station, a car dealership, a shopping mall, and 3 insurance companies setting up camp in his office." 

Tom and Doug will be going undercover at Westside High as South Central transfers while Judy continues to work the Lane angle. South Central is a notoriously tough school, so Tom and Doug have just the cover story: the McQuaid brothers.

At the school bus stop the next day, Tom and Doug playfully shove each other on the sidewalk. Tom is sporting ripped jeans and a do-rag. Doug's look is less tough guy and more borderline homeless: His clothes are filthy. The long-sleeved tee he's wearing under his sleeveless flannel shirt is missing a sleeve altogether.

As Tom and Doug get on the bus, they shout, "HELLO!" in unison. The other students stare. The bus driver asks for their bus passes. Doug replies, "My dog ate it." Tom has the same dog. The bus driver can't give them a ride without a pass. Tom responds by bodily throwing the driver from the bus. Doug drives the school bus as Tom plays flight attendant using the CB radio and blasts a boombox.

As Drew is leaving for school, his father lectures him about the importance of not just good grades but perfect ones. He offers to give Drew a ride but Drew would rather walk.
Lane drives down the road in a flashy red convertible and denies stealing the Porsche again. Judy is with him, along with a nameless blond girl.

In what looks like a storage shed, Drew takes a sweater out of his backpack. Using a device on a counter, he removes the anti-theft tag.

In an algebra class taught by the same teacher from the Season 1 finale, Doug and Tom are practically asleep in the back row. There's some chatter about turning everyday situations into algebraic equations; Doug makes one up involving ripping off car stereos. The bell rings. The teacher reminds the class to pick up their graded midterms on their way out.

Drew studies his paper, then goes up to the teacher. He wants to get partial credit for some problems he missed for using the wrong formula. He blames the mistake on the wording of the questions, but the teacher says nobody else in class had trouble with those problems. Drew requests an impromptu oral quiz for extra credit, but the math teacher won't change the grade. He gently says, "An 87 isn't the end of the world."

Ricky tells Judy that the only evidence found in the mall was a set of Porsche tire tracks. Lane interrupts, pulls Judy away, and tells Ricky to save himself the embarrassment of hitting on her. 

In the cafeteria, some jocks chase around a screaming nerd named Wally, who bears a striking resemblance to George McFly. Doug, gnawing on a chicken bone, trips one of the jocks. Wally is still eventually cornered and gets a nasty wedgie that results in his tighty-whities being ripped completely off. To add insult to injury, the jocks steal Wally's money. A table clears as the "McQuaids" approach. Tom barks, "What is wrong with you people?! We're friendly" as Doug discreetly sniffs his own armpits. 

Harry lets Cap'n Rufus know that a boy wearing a $10,000 Rolex was caught shoplifting at the mall. In an interrogation room at police headquarters, Rufus asks Lane about the Rolex; Lane says it's his dad's watch. There's no way to prove this because his parents are conveniently away "in the Orient." Lane smirks triumphantly. Cap'n Rufus wishes that Lane was his kid because he "wouldn't be able to smile for a week." The Rolex that Lane was wearing isn't listed anywhere as stolen property and none of the items from the west side burglary cases are turning up on the street. 

In the school courtyard, the jocks hold Wally upside down while they steal his money again. Ricky approaches Drew, who has French with Judy. He asks Drew to give Judy a note for him. Drew rudely asks, "Why would she want you?"

At lunch, Wally has a business proposition for Doug: hiring Doug as his personal bodyguard, Drillbit Taylor style. $75 a week, which works out to almost 150 in 2013 dollars. Doug refuses, even when Wally offers to toss in free stereo equipment from his dad's store.

Later in the locker room, the jocks pick on Wally again. Doug and Tom throw one of the towel-clad jocks out into the main hallway. As the guy frantically tries to get back in the locker room, his towel falls off. Too far, boys, too far. In the meantime, Drew sneaks into the algebra classroom and starts changing his test scores in the teacher's gradebook.

Outside after school, Doug and Tom introduce the main jock (Sawyer) to their fence, Harry. Harry offers them a 10% finders' fee for the Porsche. 

Drew's dad, Mr. Wilder, barges into his son's bedroom. He found the algebra midterm and demands to know when Drew was planning on telling him about the score. Drew is upset that his dad went through his things; Mr. Wilder declares anything that Drew owns is common property until he moves out. He shouts that colleges don't give scholarships to "B" students. That's not true now and I'm relatively sure it wasn't true then.

Drew leaves his room with Dad on his heels. Dad demands that Drew go back and study. Drew wants to go out with his friends and promises to be home in an hour. "I didn't move us into this school district so you could learn to talk back to your father!" shouts Dad. We hear Drew being hit as he pleads with his dad to stop.

Lane, Judy, and Blondie come out of a restaurant to find a jewelry box in Lane's convertible where Judy was sitting. Inside is a gold bracelet with a diamond heart charm in the middle. The card reads "Love, Ricky."

In the Jump Street locker room, Judy ponders over whether the bracelet is supposed to make her develop a crush on Ricky. Doug says yes and shares a tale of personal experience. In 11th grade, Doug had a crush on a girl he describes as a "redheaded, flat-chested wench with a mouth like yesterday's garbage." Said redhead didn't know Doug existed until he spent $300 on a gold ID bracelet. Judy inquires, "How long did this relationship grounded in trust and friendship last?" Doug answers, "3 weeks."

Cap'n Rufus informs the group that the bracelet is real and worth about $450 ($886 in 2013). It wasn't reported stolen, so Judy will have to get into Ricky's house somehow to look for other stolen goods. He thinks it's time to put together a sting operation to see who's behind the recent burglaries.

In the boys' room, Sawyer roughs up Wally again. He rips Wally's shirt and discovers a whistle around his neck; blowing it summons "the McQuaids." This whole subplot is starting to feel like a prison porn, especially when Doug and Tom tell Sawyer they want to "keep" Wally. Wally starts to pay them their weekly fee. "We don't want your money," Doug says, "We want..." The pause makes Wally and the audience nervous. Because this is 1980's network TV, Doug finishes the sentence with "...lunch."

At Wally's house, Doug and Tom root through the desk in Wally's dad's study. They learn he's expecting a big shipment of CD players.

Drew's gets a call from Lane's car phone inviting him to lunch. Blondie comes on the line to inform Drew that he missed his history midterm. Drew felt like blowing it off and promises to meet them at the restaurant. Drew gets out of bed, revealing a series of belt marks across his bare back and shoulders.

Judy goes to Ricky's. She gives him the bracelet and lets him down gently about not wanting to be his girlfriend. 

At the electronics store loading dock, someone in a ski mask is putting boxes into a van. The Jump Street team moves in for the bust, revealing the man behind the mask to be Ricky. At police HQ, Ricky initially pleads stupidity and ignorance. He finally admits to stealing the Porsche to impress a girl.

Judy is upset because she feels Ricky is a victim of entrapment. He's a 16-year-old with a crush who wouldn't have stolen if they hadn't forced his hand. She believes Ricky took the bait about the CD players. Harry comes in to inform Cap'n Rufus that Drew called him to set up a meet.

Ricky has a garage full of stolen items, including the Porsche. He says he ripped the stuff off as a contingency plan in case he doesn't get a college scholarship. Hasn't he heard of working at the mall or McDonald's? 

At the Chapel, Drew sits in the holding cell being berated by his father. Dad wants to know what he's supposed to tell his coworkers. Drew explains that he just wanted friends. Dad didn't make sacrifices for Drew to be liked. Drew says nobody forced his dad to make any sacrifices.

Drew's dad isn't happy with his attitude. "What are you gonna do? Beat me again?" asks Drew. That statement gets the attention of everyone in the squadroom. Drew shouts that he's never good enough; if he gets a 98, his dad wants to know why he didn't score 100.

Unfortunately for Drew, he can go home because his bail has been posted. Cap'n Rufus witnesses Drew's dad shoving him around. They leave. Doug looks sick. "I got a very bad feeling about this," he says. Tom agrees that Mr. Wilder most likely won't be satisfied with a simple grounding.

Tom and Doug go to check on Drew. They find him sitting on the front steps, a bandanna wrapped around a gashed forearm. Drew, eerily calm, says, "I told him not to hit me." Doug goes into the house. We don't see what Doug does, but it's enough to make him shout for Tom to call an ambulance.

At school the next day, "The McQuaids" tell Wally the bad news: their dad got a new job so they're moving again. Now Wally has to take care of his own problems. Wally looks freaked out about this. End of episode.

Case #2.16: "Orpheus 3.3"

In the Chapel locker room, Tom asks his partner, "Why is it so important to you that I break up with Amy?" Does he want Doug to answer categorically or alphabetically? Doug's answer is simple: "Because you've been datin' her for 12 weeks and talkin' about breakin' up with her for 11." Yeah, that's never a good sign.

Tom needs to do it because Tom and Amy are both going crazy. And Doug himself is probably going crazier than he is already from listening to Tom's angst. Tom says he's always had trouble breaking up with women, even though he and Amy have virtually nothing in common. He doesn't like being the bad guy.

Doug has a solution for that: Drive a girl so crazy that she breaks off the relationship for you. I've had it done to me and I can say it's effective. Tom says Amy is too even-tempered for that to work.

On the road, Amy asks if Tom plans to tell her what's bothering him. Tom classically replies, "Nothing" before blaming his bad mood on Amy wanting to go to a fancy French restaurant. His idea of a fine dinner is burnt hot dogs and sauerkraut. Amy doesn't mind that, but the last time they tried to have a quiet night at home, the neighbors called the police. That statement could be interpreted a number of ways...

They go back and forth for a while over what's really bothering Tom. He says, "Why don't we save this 'til we get home? I wouldn't want the neighbors to miss anything." 

At a small grocery/convenience store, Tom goes up to the counter with sauerkraut, hot dogs, ketchup, mustard, and buns. Amy picks up chips and pretzels. A man in a fatigue jacket enters the store and points a gun at the clerk's face, then at Tom's. "Empty the register," he orders. The clerk obliges as fast as he can; the robber tells him to go faster.

In the mirror thing over the register, Tom can see Amy in the middle of the store, unaware of what's going on (don't ask me how she doesn't see or hear). Amy approaches, struggling with her armload of snack packages. "Tom," she says. She drops a glass bottle of soda on the floor and it shatters. The robber whips around. For reasons unknown, he shoots Amy in the chest. She falls in slow motion, knocking a few bags off a cardboard potato chip display. "NO!" Tom screams. 

Tom comes into work acting like his old self. Doug was worried about him. Tom says he's fine. Doug asks if Tom went to the funeral; Tom replies that it's next week. Cap'n Rufus shakes Tom's hand, saying he's sorry for Tom's loss. Tom cheerfully suggests that he, Harry, Doug, and Blowfish go out for lunch. "You know, he's taking this rather well," Harry observes. Too well, if you ask me. Blowfish says Tom's just really resilient.

Cap'n Rufus asks if Tom's really ready to come back to work. Tom is, but he has a few things to take care of first: an appointment with the department psychiatrist and a trip to Homicide division to be interviewed by the detectives on the case. Dead-eyed Tom declares he wants the robber locked up. Fuller says Amy's death isn't Tom's fault because most robbers don't kill people. Tom wonders if the shrink will make him lie on a couch.

In said shrink's office, Tom says he's not sharing his feelings with anyone and crying doesn't make him feel better. You can sense the psychiatrist wondering exactly what kind of sociopath he's actually dealing with. Tom says nobody could've stopped the shooting in 3.3 seconds. He knows the time from watching the surveillance tape once.

Tom tells the homicide detective that the robber was coked out and nervous with no hesitation about shooting Amy. The detectives leave to get coffee. A TV/VCR is conveniently in the room, complete with tape of Amy's shooting. Tom watches it, checks his watch, rewinds it to just before Amy was shot, and repeat.

At Tom's place, he sits on the floor obsessively watching the shooting tape. He times himself doing tasks like taking off his jeans and opening a beer can. He imagines himself shooting the robber and wakes up in a cold sweat.

At Cap'n Rufus's office, the shrink says Tom is in serious denial and wants to interview the whole team. Fuller agrees.

Back at Homicide, Tom is making a nuisance of himself but there are no new developments. He wants to read the detectives' report again and declares you can pull all the pepperoni off a pizza slice in 3.3 seconds.

At a bar, a cheap James Dean lookalike is trying to hustle the robber in a game of pool. The robber refuses to pay and puts a gun under the guy's chin, then stuffs $20 is his mouth. He lets the guy live because this isn't Goodfellas. 

At the Chapel, the situation is worse. Tom is now telling his coworkers he was still very much in love with Amy despite all evidence to the contrary. Outside, he sees a headline about someone called the Convenience Killer at a newsstand. At the same bar, the nameless robber and nameless James Dean clone see the same article. Robber calls cops confessing to killing Amy but denies the latest incident.

Tom watches the tape on a loop while flipping through mug books. He goes for his gun when someone knocks, but it's just Judy bearing popcorn and a movie. 

At a different convenience store, Robber tries to upsell a customer a bag of pretzels. He goes into the back and demands the combination to the safe from the clerk. The clerk doesn't know it. We are left to ponder his fate. More proof of how sloppy this episode is becoming.

Tom dreams of shooting the robber in a James Bond tux; what looks like RUN DMC spraypaints the robber's dead body gold. He wakes up. Judy confronts him about stealing the evidence tape and says she's taking it back. Tom snatches it from her purse. He lists of a myriad of things you can do in 3.3 seconds. Judy becomes upset and cries.

When the shrink interviews the team, the only worthwhile moment comes when it's Doug's turn in the hot seat. Italian to the core, he refuses to answer any questions. Shrink just wants a feel for Doug's relationship with Tom. Doug looks confused as he says they're just friends. The doctor, sensing hostility, asks if Doug has ever been to a psychiatrist before. Doug gets even cagier and leaves.

I have now lost all hope for this episode so I'll make it quick and dirty. Some more angst and confusing dream sequences later, Tom in reality tracks down the nameless robber and he's brought to justice. The episode ends with suit-clad Tom delivering flowers to Amy's grave, then wordlessly kneeling on the snowy ground next to it. 

This is touted as one of the best episodes of the series and I honestly can't see why. I understand Tom's guilt about his being about to end the relationship with Amy before death stepped in and she had no idea about it. But Amy was hard to see as a good fit for Tom, more of a convenient love interest with no real chemistry, probably why they decided to scrap the storyline altogether. Tom himself isn't exactly sympathetic. The performances by the supporting cast are mediocre at best except for a handful of scenes.

Case #2.15: "I'm OK, You Need Work"

In an English class, the teacher likens Beat poetry to Run-DMC ("only  quieter"). He passes out poems for the students to read during class. A boy clad in a leather jacket sits at the back of the room, ignoring the teacher and listening to his Walkman.

A secretary comes into the classroom and talks to the teacher. The teacher then approaches Leather Jacket's desk. "Kenny," he says gently, "your father's waiting for you in front of school. Your sister's been in an accident." 

At the hospital, Kenny asks his dad if his sister will be okay. Dad doesn't know. A man in a suit, presumably a doctor, stops them in the hallway to tell them that Noreen will be fine. Kenny and Noreen, huh? Looks like we're revisiting the Weckerle family from the pilot

Kenny's dad gives him a handful of change and requests a diet soda. While Kenny's at the Coke machine, the doctor asks Kenny to come with him. He'll take Kenny down the hall to his Noreen's room while their dad stays behind to fill out some forms. 

Suddenly, the ward's doors close and lock behind Kenny. He demands to know what's going on. The doctor advises Kenny of his rights as a patient of the Weller Center for Adolescent Drug and Alcohol Abuse. Kenny looks horrified. He tries to run away down the hall, but is quickly tackled by an orderly. Kenny shouts angrily as he's dragged backwards away from his father and sister watching through the glass door. 

Tom's Mustang pulls into the alley behind Jump Street Chapel. Noreen is waiting for him. Doug climbs out of the passenger side of the car, saying, "Admit it, you spent $1,200 on a ski trip because Amy went to Hawaii without you...She won a trip for 2 and you're here. Who'd she take instead?" Tom reports that Amy took her sister; he even dropped them both off at the airport." "You fell for that?!" Doug cries.

Noreen emerges from hiding. "What're you doin' here?" asks Tom. She says it's Tom's fault that Kenny got busted for drugs, but "you can't leave him there; they're hurting him." She hands Tom a letter.

"I thought I told you to stay the hell out of it," the captain tells Tom, "Drying out's not supposed to be fun." Tom feels responsible for Kenny. Cap'n Rufus says the case isn't their jurisdiction. Tom wants to talk to Kenny's parents. Rufus tells him to drop it, finish his shift, and go skiing.

"How dare you come into this house?" Mr. W rages at Tom, "That kid tore this family apart!" The family tried counseling, but Kenny refused to go. Mr. W blames Kenny for Mrs. W leaving him, then sends Noreen to her room. Tom isn't trying to cause more grief, but Kenny's letters have raised concerns about abuse. Mr. W tells Tom to mind his own business.

Outside, Tom gets in his car and finds Noreen hiding in the backseat. "Drive," she directs. As they drive, Noreen complains that her dad is crazy. Tom tells her this isn't a police matter. Noreen rolls her eyes. She hands Tom a card with Kenny's rights as a rehab patient, all of which have apparently been violated. "That's a police matter, isn't it?" she asks.

At the rehab center, Kenny is cursing and struggling with the orderlies marching him down the hallway. They throw him bodily into a room, where one orderly forces pills into Kenny's mouth. The doctor says it's for his own good and leaves. Kenny kicks the closed door. The doctor opens it again to say, "That's 2 demerits." We see that Kenny's nose is bleeding.

Outside, we see a girl with bleach-blond hair drinking from a water fountain. She watches the doctor and the orderlies leave Kenny's room. Blondie enters his room and, I'll be damned, it's a young Christina Applegate! She introduces herself as Tina. Kenny's heard she likes older guys "like that 40-year-old boyfriend of yours you keep tryin' to run away with." "Older guys, younger guys," she says, trailing a finger down Kenny's chest.

The doctor barges in. "Mr. Rafferty, he pulled me in here," Tina lies. The orderly removes Kenny from the room; Kenny argues that Tina came to his room on her own. "Lying? That's 5 demerits," says Mr. Rafferty. He tells the orderly to take Kenny to isolation.

"Not much you can do once a parent signs their kid away to one of these places," a social worker says to Tom while digging through her file cabinet: "Average stay: 8 months. Average bill: $280,000. Magically, most kids are cured about the time their insurance runs out." Something called the Roger S. Amendment would require a hearing in front of a neutral third party before a juvenile can be incarcerated. Roger S. can't help Kenny, though, because it's still just a bill. Tom asks if there's some way to help Kenny. "Not legally," answers the social worker. 

In group therapy, Kenny is in a heated argument with soon-to-be-released Wayne. Kenny says rehab hasn't helped Wayne; he saw Mr. Goody Two-Shoes swapping meds with another patient. "He's only getting outta here because his insurance ran out," Kenny goes on. Jeffrey, a boy in a striped blue bathrobe, nods in agreement. Then Kenny unfairly got in trouble for Tina walking into his room. Jeffrey shoots Tina a look, "I thought you liked older guys." "Yeah, older than 10," says Kenny.

The therapist says Kenny should admit to his problems. Kenny doesn't have one; he quit doing drugs, but his parents don't believe him. He starts to storm out of group therapy and is stopped by Mr. Rafferty, who gives Kenny 2 more demerits for acting out. Kenny puckers his lips and says, "Kiss me twice." Never heard that expression before but I assume it's probably rude. Mr. Rafferty sends Kenny to isolation again: "no food, no visitors."

Back at the Chapel, Cap'n Rufus asks Tom why he's getting calls from Mr. Weckerle. Doug leaves his partner to his reaming. Tom is ready to go on vacation. Rufus tells him to have fun skiing. 

At the rehab center, we see Tom, dressed in ratty clothes, struggles with the orderlies. The social worker from earlier, posing as Tom's mother, watches with a pained look on her face. Mr. Rafferty tells "Mrs. Henderson" to be strong: "Your son is in very, very good hands." The orderlies carry Tom off.

Tom is sitting on the floor in his room the next day when Mr. Rafferty enters. "1,200 bucks a day, don't I get a bed?" asks Tom. In the hall, Mr. Rafferty gives him a manila envelope and explains the schedule. Tom will go to school in the morning and therapy in the afternoon. 

Mr. Rafferty explains that Tom will earn privileges like a bed by accumulating points for good behavior. Tom asks when breakfast is. Mr. Rafferty is a little too cheerful as he responds, "Oh, you missed breakfast." Tina moves from the water fountain so Tom can get a drink, trailing her hand over his butt. Mr. Rafferty admonishes her. "But, Mr. Rafferty, I'm still thirsty," she says innocently. Thirsty is right...

Mr. Rafferty warns Tom to stay away from Tina because she has trouble saying "no." He seems pretty possessive of her, which makes me think he's probably the 40-year-old boyfriend Kenny mentioned. He tells Tom his room number is 133.

Tom goes to the receptionist, asking if 133 is his room because Kenny says it's his. The receptionist says Kenny is in 148. In Kenny's room, him and Jeffrey are playing Monopoly. Tom knocks and Kenny excitedly lets him in, shouting, "You got my letters! My sister came through!" Tom tries to shush Kenny, worried that Jeffrey might figure out what's going on.

Kenny tells Tom not to worry because Jeffrey "has the chromosome count of a gnat." Yeah, drugs and/or drinking can do that to you. "His old man put him in here because he's embarrassing," Kenny goes on. He tells Jeffrey, "You forgot you had to go to the bathroom." Jeffrey grins and shuffles off.

Kenny cheers that he's as good as home now that Tom's here. However, Tom has to see what the rehab center is like for himself before Kenny starts packing. Kenny shows Tom his wrists, which are scraped from restraints, causing him to be unable to wear his watch. He promises Tom whatever evidence he needs if Tom will just bust him out.

Jeffrey exits the bathroom. His shirt is pulled up and he's rubbing at his stomach. Tom asks if Jeffrey needs a doctor. "He doesn't need a doctor; he needs a vet," Kenny scoffs. Jeffrey, still poking at his stomach, says, "I got mice." All righty then. Long-term effect of unneeded tranquilizers? Kenny raises an eyebrow.

In group therapy, Tom says he steals money from his mom's purse to buy drugs. "How come he gets away with lying and I can't?" asks Kenny, obviously hinting at Tom's true identity. You probably shouldn't say anything about the illegal undercover operation if you want to get busted out of rehab. Just saying. Kenny protests that everyone's parents lied to get them admitted.

Tina agrees. Her parents brought her to the hospital under the guise of getting her some shots before they went on a family trip to Europe. Her parents, by the way, are currently in Greece. Kenny says adults are the biggest liars of all. The therapist admonishes Kenny for trying to stir up aggression and manipulate the group; he calls for someone else to talk. 

"You're just mad because I'm telling the truth," says Kenny. An orderly arrives to drag Kenny off. The therapist says, "This is what happens when we act out on our impulses." 

When the kids take their meds, a nurse checks their mouths to make sure they actually swallowed the pills. Tom cheeks his, then goes outside and spits them in the fountain. Tina tells him to save the pills because Diazepam sells. Note: the drug actually is used to treat withdrawal from alcohol, opiates, and benzodiazepines. Tom asks what the orderly did to Kenny. "It's called behavior mod and I'd get used to it," says Tina, "Everybody spends time in isolation."

That night, Tom creeps around the ward, eventually finding Kenny restrained in a chair. Kenny begs Tom to help him escape before bed checks; there's only one nurse on duty right now. Tom promises to check himself out in the morning and go talk to Fuller. He agrees to loosen Kenny's restraints and lay him on the floor so the kid can get some sleep. 

Tom goes back to his own room. He takes off his flannel shirt and jeans. When he starts to lie down, he realizes someone is in his bed. He startles and turns on the light. Tina pulls back the covers and smiles. "Hi," she says. Tom hastily put his jeans back on. He tells her, "You gotta learn to curb your feelings. Please get out of my bed."

She does, wearing nothing but an oversized James Dean T-shirt. Orderlies come down the hall, pounding on doors. "I missed bed check," says Tina. Tom hides her in his closet. Tina protests that she's claustrophobic. "It's all in your head," says Tom as he closes the door. He then decides the bathroom is a better hiding place. Before he can get Tina there, an orderly jerks open the door to Tom's room. "Out," he orders.

Tom and Tina step out in the hallway. "You were warned about this," Mr. Rafferty says to Tom. "Where's the other one?" "Still looking," the orderly reports. It looks like Kenny got himself the rest of the way out of his restraints and escaped. Mr. Rafferty tells the orderly, "You know what to do with this one."

Tom is taken to another isolation room. The orderlies force him onto the bed facedown. A nurse gives him a shot in the ass. Probably good old-fashioned Valium. The orderlies flip Tom to his back and strap him to the bed. Tom struggles and fights them, but eventually goes still.

In the Chapel squadroom, Cap'n Rufus calls Doug over. A court date has been moved and they need Tom to testify. Rufus asks Doug for ski resort's phone number so he can call Tom. Doug offers to make the call himself. He's acting shifty and clearly knows Tom isn't skiing. Cap'n Rufus asks if Doug likes being called when he's on vacation. Doug shakes his head. Rufus hands over the subpoena and instructs, "Just send it overnight."

Jeffrey comes to visit Tom in isolation. He asks if Tom wonders how mice are living in Jeffrey's stomach. Probably because you're 8 kinds of crazy? He asks why islands don't float away. Jeffrey states that there were 2 big fires at the rehab center in the middle of the night; no one could get out and the center had to be rebuilt.

"When'd this happen?" asks Tom. Crazy Jeff says, "Yesterday, I think." Tom asks Jeffrey to undo his restraints. Jeffrey can't because it's against the rules. He starts punching himself in the stomach, presumably because the mice are acting up in there. Jeffrey doesn't think Tom belongs in rehab. As an afterthought, he says, "They think you helped Kenny escape."

In Mr. Rafferty's office, Mr. Weckerle is demanding to know how Kenny escaped. Mr. Rafferty says they're doing everything possible to find Kenny. "You could go to the police...again," he suggests. He tells Mr. W to change his locks in case Kenny decides to go home and steal things to pawn for money to get out of town. Mr. W should call the rehab center immediately if Kenny shows up. "You just find my son," orders Mr. W.

Mr. Rafferty goes to isolation to check on Tom's, who's been in restraints for 8 hours. Tom informs him that according to the law, 4 hours is the maximum. He asks if Tom helped Kenny escape, then tightens the restraints. Tom tells him what he's doing is illegal. "I'm a cop," Tom says, "I'm an undercover cop." Mr. Rafferty chuckles, "Well, that's ridiculous." Mr. Rafferty is paged via intercom.

Elsewhere in the hospital, two maintenance workers pull Kenny's limp body out of an air shaft. He got stuck and suffocated. That night in Mr. Rafferty's office, he tries to persuade a doctor to alter his report so that it doesn't look like the hospital was negligent. The doctor doesn't like lying; he doesn't want to send Tom to be warehoused at State Hospital. Mr. Rafferty orders him to sign Tom over and fix the Weckerle report.

A sedated Tom is strapped to a gurney. Paramedics load him into an ambulance. 

Judy has called Amy; Amy doesn't know where Tom is and Widow Hanson doesn't either. Doug found out Tom never checked into the ski resort. Judy worries that Tom might've had an accident on the icy roads. She reveals that Tom's been missing for 3 days. The cops all exchange thoughtful looks.

Kenny's sister Noreen lets Judy and Cap'n Rufus in. Mr. W appears. Judy wonders if he knows anything about Tom going missing. Mr. W admits to throwing Tom out of the house. He tells them of Tom's concerns about abuse and that Kenny is now dead.

In Rafferty's office, he gives Judy and Cap'n Rufus the standard "Nothing like this has ever happened before" speech. Rufus explains Tom was doing unauthorized undercover work. Judy wants to look around; Mr. Rafferty says not without a warrant. Judy produces one.

In the dayroom, Mr. Rafferty asks Jeffrey if anyone has said they were a police officer. Jeffrey says, "There's 2 cops and a racecar driver and a guy who can fly." Okay, explain how Tom warrants a psych ward and a kid with mice in his stomach doesn't. In the girls' wing, Judy watches a nurse break up 2 patients fighting over a hairbrush. She's approached by Tina, who mistakes Judy for a patient. Judy asks if Tina has seen Tom. Tina says Tom was transferred to State Hospital.

At State Hospital, Judy and Cap'n Rufus talk to an older nurse in pink scrubs. "Oh, I can't remember everyone." the nurse says, "Look, on a night like this, we could get a dozen guys like you've described." Rufus elaborates on the description: 5'10", 165 pounds. "Dark hair," adds Judy. The nurse says to check with admitting because there might not be a permanent bed yet. 

Judy and Cap'n Rufus head upstairs. It sounds like everyone's worst nightmare of a mental hospital, all screams, crazed laughter, and moans. They think about splitting up; Rufus reconsiders that when Judy is startled by a patient. In a ward with beds, they find Tom under the blankets. Cap'n Rufus helps him sit up. He and Judy half-drag, half-walk Tom out of the ward.

At police headquarters, Tom is in the midst of a disciplinary hearing for a laundry list of charges. Mr. Rafferty has been fired from the rehab center until there's a thorough investigation of what Tom discovered. The hospital offers to drop all lawsuits against Tom if he doesn't speak in favor of the Roger S. bill at the legislature. Tom refuses and says, "Sue me." "You heard the man," says Cap'n Rufus. End of episode.