Case #2.06: "Higher Education"

Yesterday marked the 74th birthday of America's favorite trash-TV talk show host: Maury Povich. His show is one of my favorite guilty pleasures, especially his "out-of-control teens go to boot camp" and "Who's the father?" episodes. This episode would fit into the latter category; a teenage girl has accused Harry Ioki of being her baby daddy.

In a classroom, a blond girl in a blazer with shoulder pads stands at the front of the room. The young male teacher assigns the girl (Patty) a topic for her impromptu speech: "Why I like to party." Isn't that just a tad inappropriate, good sir? The class snickers knowingly at Patty, who's clearly been singled out for her reputation. 

Patty hems and haws that she doesn't know and puts her arms behind her back. "Do you stand like this at a party?" asks the teacher. He strikes model-esque pose with his hands on his hips and asks, "Or like this?" The students laugh again. 

The teacher tells her to stand like she would at a party. Patty poses. The teacher says she shouldn't be nervous because most impromptu speeches occur in front of people you already know. 

A brunette girl who seems to be doing some kind of chemistry experiment in the girls' bathroom. In class, Patty nervously says she likes to party because it's fun. The teacher instructs her to close her eyes and imagine herself at a party, then describe the party to the class. "Music, dancing, boys," she says.

The brunette is paces the bathroom now. We still hear the lesson. "Why do you like music, dancing, and boys so much?" asks the teacher. Patty replies, "Because it's better than school and homework and my parents."
"That's it!" cheers the teacher, who will henceforth be known as Mr. Creeper. 

In the girls' bathroom, the brunette is still walking back and forth in front of the sinks. The poor dear needs a fashion consultant; her unfortunate ensemble consists of an embroidered mint-green sweater with shoulder pads, a peach skirt, and huge pink cube earrings. Her watch alarm goes off and she freezes.

Patty is still talking about partying. Sitting on the counter in the girls' room is a box containing a Know Now Pregnancy Test: "Fast, accurate results in 10 minutes." The test tube has turned blue. The brunette seems shocked and upset as she hustles out of the bathroom, her wardrobe now the least of her problems. 

Patty advises the class to "party your brains out" as a stress-relief mechanism. 16,000 of my college classmates would agree. The students clap as the bell rings. Mr. Creeper tells that class that Patty's extensive research on the subject helped. I was right about Patty being the party queen.

Enter Bathroom Brunette, AKA Joy. Mr. Creeper comments that she's only 50 minutes late and asks if something's wrong. Joy confesses that she thinks she's pregnant. Um, once you have positive test, I'm pretty sure the "Am I? Aren't I?" part is over with. Mr. Creeper cocks his head and sighs a little as he says, "Oh, Joy." He sounds like he knew this was coming.

Joy goes home and tearfully apologizes to her mother. Joy's mom hugs her. Joy sobs that she doesn't know what to do. Joy's dad comes home from work and notices the women in his life are upset. Mom tells him they have something to talk about; Dad thinks it's ideas for their family vacation. "We're not taking a vacation this year," Mom informs him, "Joy is...going to have a baby." 

Dad wonders how they let this happen. He wants to speak to the other half of Joy's "problem." After some prodding, Joy says the father of her baby is Jimmy Young. However, Joy doesn't know where to find Jimmy because he dropped out. Oh, this must be making her parents feel so much better about their teenage daughter being pregnant. 

Cap'n Rufus meets with a female reporter, Denise. The media isn't normally allowed in the Chapel, what with it being home to an undercover program and all. Denise wants him to go on a local talk show since he doesn't do fieldwork...except that one time. Rufus's answer is an emphatic no. Denise asks him to think about it. 

Doug and Harry eye up the reporter from the corner, the Asian slurping noisily from a juice box. Seriously, guys, she is not an attractive lady. She looks like an ad for the dangers of red hair dye, AquaNet, and teasing combs. Doug purrs appreciatively as Denise leaves. 

Blowfish comes up to them, demanding $40 for some baseball tickets he's selling to Doug.
Doug wants Harry to come with him for some male bonding. He thinks Cap'n Rufus is in a good mood and won't say no when they request a day off to go to the game. Harry wants to finish writing a report and Doug calls him a wimp. 

Cap'n Rufus is now in his office talking to someone on the phone. He promises the caller he'll take care of the problem and shouts, "Ioki!" The captain asks Harry to sit down and wants to know how his life is going. Harry says things are fine. Rufus inquires if Harry has a girlfriend. "No," Harry says, a little unsure of where this line of questioning is going.

Harry thinks Rufus is trying to set him up on a date. Rufus asks if he knows Joy Prentiss. No, Harry doesn't. Fuller drops the news: "She says you're the father of her baby." Harry sinks back in his chair, looking stunned.

Joy's dad tries to bully the whereabouts of Jimmy Young out of his daughter's principal. Fuller comes in and explains that Jimmy Young is the undercover alias of Harry Ioki. "This is great," Joy's dad says sarcastically and I can't say I blame him for his reaction. Fuller's not sure Joy and Harry even knew each other while Harry was assigned to the school.

Joy's dad says angrily, "I'm sure he introduced himself before inviting her into the backseat of his squad car. Or was he pretending to be a high school student when he seduced her?" He threatens to sue the school district, city, state, and police department. He also wants Harry arrested for statutory rape.

The principal speaks up. In a ludicrous plot even for this show, the school's computer club sponsored a dance. Students were matched with dates by a computer personality test before the event. Joy and Harry went to the dance together.

In Rufus's office again, Harry explains that he filled out a questionnaire in homeroom one day. I participated in something pretty similar as a high school sophomore hoping to ease the pangs of Valentine's Day singlehood, but most of the listed people they matched me with already had girlfriends. I was pretty upset, both by not finding a date and wasting $3 to have my survey processed. 

Anyway, Harry was matched with Joy. At the time, Harry believed Joy was dating his suspect. They went to the dance together, after which Harry learned a different Joy was the perp's girlfriend. He went home early by himself. Fuller asks if he ever saw Joy with any other boys. Harry didn't notice. Cap'n Rufus puts Harry on desk duty until his name is cleared.

Harry and Tom run around a lake together at sunset. Tom is having trouble keeping up, seeing as he hasn't run since the academy. His workout attire is rather interesting: a flat-billed ballcap, sweatpants, a '50s letterman sweater, and what seem to be combat boots. Harry can't stop thinking about the mess he's in. "She musta been somethin' else." says Tom. Tom Hanson jumping to conclusions? Gasp! 

When Harry gets upset, Tom reassures him that Joy probably panicked and told her parents the first name that popped into her head. Harry will be off the hook in 9 months when a DNA test reveals: "Harry, you are NOT the father!"

Harry goes to visit Joy's parents. Her dad is glad that Harry is willing to take responsibility. Harry says he isn't the father. He takes a step forward when he sees Joy watching them from the stairs, but is blocked by Joy's dad. Dad tells Joy to go to her room.

"Why are you doing this to me?" Harry asks. Joy snaps that he knows why. Harry repeats that he's not the baby daddy. Dad gets angry because he thinks Joy is being called a liar. He tells Harry to leave. Harry refuses. Dad shoves Harry into an end table, knocking over a lamp in the process. Dad calls the police. Harry still doesn't leave. 

In an unintentionally hilarious moment, Dad pauses his conversation with the 911 operator and covers the mouthpiece with his hand. "Are you armed?" he calmly asks Harry. Harry confirms it. "Yes," Dad says into the phone, just as calmly. 

A handcuffed Harry is frogmarched out of the house by 2 uniforms and put into the back of a waiting squad car. And I thought Doug would be the first one to get in serious trouble for his hot temper.

Tom and Cap'n Rufus arrive at the police station to pick Harry up from the interrogation room. Tom breaks the news that Harry is suspended. Joy's dad has taken out a restraining order against Harry. Jump Street officers can't investigate one of their own, so there's nothing Rufus can do to help.

In the office, Rufus assigns Doug and Judy to tail Joy. Tom is like "I thought we couldn't investigate Harry." Tom's job is to keep Harry out of trouble. Rufus gets ready to meet with Denise. She's actually not a reporter; she's a producer for a talk show host named Barry Prince. Most shameless takeoff on Larry King's name ever! Doug warns Cap'n Rufus to watch his step; Barry roasts guests he doesn't like.

Judy goes to home economics class, where they're doing the classic "treat this egg as your baby for a week" parenting lesson. There aren't any more boys, so Judy will be a single mom. She joins Joy at a table. Joy thinks the point of the exercise is that taking care of an egg means you can take care of an actual baby. Not hardly. I've heard the same argument used in reference to pets.

Two of the other girls discuss how bad it would be to have a baby. You wouldn't be able to do anything fun. Joy deliberately tries not to react, meaning that none of her friends know she's pregnant.

At the marina restaurant, Denise promises to buy Cap'n Rufus dinner if the show goes well. Rufus isn't interested in publicity; Denise says it's more about politics and gaining more public support for the Jump Street program.

At a bar, two vacationing girls try to pick up Tom and Harry. They ask for a tour of the town. Harry tells them to get lost. Tom looks away, embarrassed. Harry thinks the girls are with Internal Affairs, which is pretty paranoid.

Doug and Judy compare notes in her car, which is inexplicably a red convertible instead of the green roadster from Season 1. Joy's name hasn't been the subject of any locker-room gossip. Doug roughly picks up the cardboard bed Judy made for her "baby." She admonishes him and sets the cradle on the dashboard.

Doug thinks she's taking the egg project too seriously. Judy asks if he's ever considered fatherhood. "If you're gonna be the mother, I'm interested," he flirts. Wait, I thought they established they wouldn't be starting an office romance? Continuity counts, people! 

Doug goes right back to his old self, joking about how he knows what to do with the egg; it involves a frying pan and butter. Joy backs out of the garage in what is presumably her parents' station wagon. Judy hands him the egg cradle so she can concentrate on driving.

In the process of following Joy, Judy very nearly causes an accident. Doug yelps for her to slow down. "Just put Madilynn in her carseat, Douglas," she says. He banters back with slight lisp, "Why don't you slow down, Judith?"

Joy stops at the library to return some books, then continues her journey on foot. She runs up the front steps of a duplex and knocks. Mr. Creeper answers.

Joy asks Mr. Creeper for money to leave town. Mr. Creeper wonders where Joy is planning to go; she's an uneducated, pregnant, 18-year-old girl. "How would it look?" he says, "A teacher giving a pregnant student money." Mr. Creeper answers a phone call and makes an appointment for a private tutoring session with another girl. 

Joy is upset that he calls it tutoring. She threatens to tell on him. Mr. Creeper tells her nobody would believe her since she already accused Harry of being the father. It's Joy's fault that she got pregnant. Joy protests it has to be Mr. Creeper's baby because she lost her virginity to him. Mr. Creeper thinks he can get someone to say that Joy sleeps around.

Cap'n Rufus sits on the set of Barry Prince's show with an attorney. The lawyer calls Jump Street "a police state on our high school campuses." Rufus says their records are open with the students' and schools' names redacted. The lawyer accuses him of entrapment and violating students' civil rights.

Barry has Denise broadcast some callers on the air. One of them is Joy's dad, who accuses Harry of getting his daughter pregnant. Afterward at lunch, Denise congratulates Cap'n Rufus for helping the show get its highest ratings in 6 months. Rufus isn't happy about getting set up, the exact thing Doug warned him would happen. He's not so dumb after all, is he, Rufus?

Denise offers Rufus another appearance on the show and he thinks she has real nerve. "Controversy makes for good television," says Denise sweetly. 

In the squadroom, Harry warns Tom that a guy from Internal Affairs is watching them from a ladder. Nope, it's just Blowfish fixing a light. "You ever wonder what he really does around here?" asks Harry. Tom exasperatedly replies, "He's a janitor." 

When Cap'n Rufus comes in, Tom announces with a grin that he saw the show. Doug and Judy fill them in on Joy ditching her car and visiting Mr. Creeper. It could be a stretch but Rufus tells Judy to talk to Joy about it.

At school, Joy sits by the track and tells Judy to leave her alone. Judy reveals that she's a cop. Joy accuses Harry of being the dad and denies that it's Mr. Creeper. Judy thinks Joy is protecting Mr. Creeper out of love, but she needs to come clean before the accusations ruin Harry's life. "No. I don't love him." Joy sobs. 

Joy breaks down and admits that Mr. Creeper is the father of her baby. She wanted him to stop touching her, but he didn't. Judy explains that constitutes rape. Sidebar: With her hair down, Joy looks a lot like a young Sally Field. 

Cap'n Rufus and Tom go to Mr. Creeper's house, where a teenage girl is doing her homework at the coffee table. They ask her to give them privacy and she leaves. "We're here to talk about the alleged rape of one of your students," says Rufus. Mr. Creeper acts as if this is the first he's hearing of it.

When they tell him the victim is Joy, Mr. Creeper calls Joy a liar. He and Joy had some drinks and consensual sex during one of their tutoring sessions. It's not a statutory issue because Joy was 18. Tom says they'll make sure he never teaches again.

"If you deprive me of my right to earn a living, I'll sue you," Mr. Creeper threatens. Tom informs Mr. Creeper that he can still be prosecuted for date-rape. Mr. Creeper shows Cap'n Rufus a photo. It was taken a month after Joy got pregnant and shows them happily eating ice cream cones at a street fair. "I dated her, Officers, I didn't rape her," he finishes. So either he tricked Joy into thinking she had the rape coming while continuing to see her or Joy really is a pathological liar.

Harry goes with Cap'n Rufus to Joy's house. He tells her parents he's sorry about all the unpleasantness that's happened. Joy's dad still wants to press charges and discuss Harry's responsibility concerning the baby. 

Rufus drops 2 bombshells: Joy has been in a sexual/romantic relationship with her speech teacher. She has also accused him of rape. Joy's mom looks like she might faint. Rufus says the relationship continued after the alleged rape, which could make prosecuting the matter difficult. But he points out that relationships often do continue after unwanted sexual activity. 

Joy's dad looks enraged. Cap'n Rufus tells him that Joy's credibility is questionable after accusing Harry of being her baby's father. A trial on her behalf isn't likely if Mr. Creeper doesn't confess. Joy's mom asks Dad if he's okay. "No," says Dad as he leaves the house.

Joy's dad goes to the school armed with a baseball bat. He barges into Mr. Creeper's classroom, interrupting a boy's speech about heavy metal bands. He introduces himself as Joy's father, advancing menacingly on Mr. Creeper. 

The two men play cat-and-mouse around the desks for a minute before taking it to the hallway. "Somebody call the police!" yells Mr. Creeper. Joy's dad says they've already been called. A throng of students forms behind Joy's dad as Mr. Creeper backs away. 

Joy's dad lands a solid blow against a row of lockers. He shouts angrily about how Mr. Creeper took advantage of his daughter. He hits some more lockers and swings wildly at Mr. Creeper's head, but misses. 

Harry and Cap'n Rufus arrive. Mr. Creeper is now sprinting down the hallway and through the boys' locker room. He locks himself in the sports equipment cage. Boys in various states of undress watch as Joy's dad enters stage left with his bat. 

Mr. Creeper repeatedly begs for the boys to call the police. Joy's dad hits the cage, asking if the teacher is scared. Harry shoulders his way through the crowd and takes the bat away. He asks if Mr. Creeper would like to confess to raping Joy. "I most certainly would not," growls Mr. Creeper.

Harry advises Joy's dad to keep the label up so he doesn't break the bat. He lets Dad hit the cage some more. A now thoroughly terrorized Mr. Creeper confesses that he did it. Cap'n Rufus comes in and catches the tail end of the confession. Sadly, this case will probably be thrown out anyway for coercion.

Joy's dad now has the answer he was looking for. He opens the equipment cage so Harry can arrest Mr. Creeper. Dad sinks onto a locker room bench, crying with his face in his hands.

Judy and Joy are sitting outside the school together. "I didn't mean to get him in trouble," Joy says sadly. She changes the conversation entirely by asking what happened to Judy's egg. "A friend of mine ate it," Judy explains. Joy laughs.

Then Judy asks the big question: What is Joy planning to do about this unplanned pregnancy? Joy admits she doesn't know. Judging by the silver cross she's worn around her neck for the whole episode, I'd say an abortion is probably out of the question. Judy watches her walk away. End of episode.

Case #2.05: "After School Special"

In a science lab, the male teacher is lecturing about the sun. Almost no one is paying attention. When the teacher asks a question, he ignores the girl in a pink denim jacket who has her hand raised. After failing to get 2 different boys to answer, he allows the girl (Penny) to give her answer. She turns out to be correct. 

The teacher calls a black boy in a blue tank top up to the front of the room. He asks the boy to play the part of the sun in his eclipse lesson. The kid stays in his seat and shoots an apple into the trash can. The class claps. The teacher continues his lecture on solar eclipses in vain. The class throws various objects at him and laughs.

The teacher (Mr. Antonini) thinks it's sad the students don't care about anything other than themselves. Tito, one of the students, tells him to apologize. "I am sorry...that I have students like you," says Mr. Antonini. Tito shoves Mr. A, sending him halfway across the room. Mr. A orders him to go to Principal Montgomery's office; Tito refuses. 

"Get up!" Mr. Antonini shouts, slapping Tito in the face. Tito says the teacher will be sorry. Mr. A thinks Tito deserved the slap. Tito stands up and draws a revolver from inside his coat. Several classmates encourage him to shoot the teacher. Tito obliges, hitting Mr. Antonini in the shoulder. 

In the Chapel, Judy exposits Mr. Antonini is recovering from being shot with a .22. She asks Cap'n Rufus if Mr. A plans to teach again. Rufus doubts it because the students have tormented Mr. Antonini for years and half his students come to school armed. Judy will be on the case. Rufus is about to do some fieldwork himself, posing as Antonini's substitute teacher. They suspect guns are being sold in the school.

Tom plays with a black-and-white guinea pig on the table. Doug provides some Kentucky Derby fanfare. Tom blows air at the guinea pig's back end to make it run. Doug times it as it scurries across the table. "4.5," he reports, "not bad." Tom suggests having the guinea pig do cardio training on a wheel. "I don't even wanna know," says Judy.

Doug explains anyway; they're planning on racing Blowfish's guinea pig but "he needs some more road work." Tom is about to go to lunch with his mom and her new boyfriend Bob, a car salesman. 

The outside walls of the high school are covered in graffiti and it seems to be in a pretty rough area. Cap'n Rufus walks through the halls with the principal, who warns him that the teachers have to be "grunts" to survive. Both men reveal that they served in the Vietnam War.

Principal Montgomery takes Rufus to the teachers' lounge. A teacher named Mr. Bernard is saying that Mr. Antonini's classes robbed him of his love for teaching, which is almost worse than him getting shot. Cap'n Rufus is introduced as Adam Honeycut. Mr. Bernard is very upset about what happened because he's a good friend of Mr. Antonini's. 

Mr. Antonini's students sit in the science lab. One guy remarks that there's still blood on the desk. Judy walks in, attracting attention in her tight jeans and midriff top. Tito's best friend Derek introduces himself; she says she's JJ from Orlando. A girl in a tan jacket snaps that she's Derek's girlfriend. "Oh, how quaint," says Judy. 

The bell rings. Cap'n Rufus comes in and writes "Mr. Honeycut" on the chalkboard. A few people giggle at his name. Derek wants to know what'll happen to Tito since he shot Mr. Antonini. Rufus doesn't know and directs the class to turn to page 89 in their textbooks.

Naturally, Derek "forgot" his. Rufus tosses him the teacher's edition and asks Derek to read aloud. Derek doesn't want to, so Judy opens her book and starts reading about volcanoes. Rufus offers to give Derek an "A" and excuse him from science for the rest of the year if Derek can read the next paragraph without making a mistake. If Derek doesn't succeed, he'll be washing Rufus's car.

Judy reaches over to Derek's table and opens his book to the appropriate page. Derek laughs and says he doesn't feel like reading. Derek's girlfriend whispers that "Mr. Honeycut" is a jerk. 

Tom, dressed in a shirt and tie, arrives at an outdoor restaurant on the marina. He shakes hands with Bob and sits down. Widow Hanson announces that she and Bob are moving in together. Bob adds that they're probably going to get married. Tom doesn't look enthused. 

In the cafeteria, a boy in a pinstriped jacket approaches another boy who seems nervous. Nervous Boy's name is Billy and he has hearing aids. Pinstripes warns Billy to look out for "inferior product"; Billy only has $30. 

Mr. Bernard and Cap'n Rufus eat together. Mr. B always sits with his back to the wall so kids can't sneak up behind him. That honestly doesn't sound paranoid to me. Maybe because my best friend was a Marine and did the same thing whenever we went out to eat. 

Mr. Bernard had Derek in his class the previous year. Derek hardly ever showed up, but was given a "B" so Mr. Bernard wouldn't have to deal with him again. Fuller says that's a high grade for someone with reading problems. The only subject Derek is good at is math. Mr. B thinks Derek is a time bomb; they found 13 guns in his locker last year. 

Billy accidentally causes Derek to drop his lunch tray. Derek mocks the difficulties the other boy has with speaking, which probably have something to do with the hearing aids. He calls Billy a retard, rips out a hearing aid, and tosses it on the floor. Billy crawls under a table to retrieve it. 

Derek finds his girlfriend Lynnette listening to her Walkman. Across the room, Mr. Bernard notices Derek fumbling with a gun tucked in his girlfriend's purse. He walks up to the table and asks to see the purse. "You're carrying a weapon," he says. Lynnette denies it. 

Mr. Bernard snatches the purse from Derek and dumps its contents onto the table. There's nothing in it other than various kinds of makeup. What Mr. Bernard thought was a gun grip was really a hairbrush with a wooden handle. The teens laugh at Mr. Bernard, who stalks off.

After school, Cap'n Rufus talks to a female teacher in the parking lot. She reminisces about her student teaching days when all she had to worry about were "Kick Me" signs. The radio antennae on Rufus's car has been bent and twisted; there's spray paint all over it. He looks grimly at the damage. I bet it's his personal car. 

Doug, Harry, and Tom ride in a moving van. Doug hates helping friends move because you can't say no without looking bad. Harry points out that anyone is difficult to move other than Doug; all he has is a couch, TV, and crates of records. Doug explains that he doesn't wanna bother his friends so he makes sure all his stuff can fit in his car. Tom says his mom is a pack rat.

Doug wonders why they're not using a moving company and just renting the van. "How long do you think this guy's gonna shack up with your mom?" he asks casually. Tom snaps, "You don't 'shack up' with someone's mom!" Harry and Doug don't see why Tom doesn't like Bob. Tom is annoyed by Bob trying to be buddy-buddy; he even asked to go bowling with Tom. He pulls up to his mom's house so they can help load the van.

The students watch Cap'n Rufus park his vandalized car. He expresses his annoyance about having just paid the car off to Mr. Bernard. He asks if Mr. Bernard knows who did it. Mr. B says, "Take your pick." He tells Rufus about his insurance policy in the form of a concealed carry permit. 

Judy joins Derek for lunch, which greatly displeases Lynnette. She dumps her cup of red Jell-O onto Judy's lap. Judy knocks Annette's tray in the air, grabs her jacket, and takes the girl to the floor. When Lynnette gets up and pulls a knife, Judy belts her with the tray. Principal Montgomery and Mr. Bernard pull the girls apart. 

The principal tells Lynnette to clean up the mess. Lynnette threatens to kill Judy. Principal Montgomery takes Lynnette to the office. Pinstripes aka Cosmo offers to sell Judy a gun. He promises to find her a good one she can keep in her purse.

Judy pulls Cap'n Rufus aside to tell him about Cosmo's offer. He tells her about Mr. Bernard's gun. In science class, Derek drops a switchblade and kicks it over to the teacher's desk. Rufus finds it.

In the teacher's lounge, Prinicipal Montgomery is holding a sawed-off shotgun he found in a stairwell. He announces to the staff that there's an armed undercover officer at the school who's posing as a student. Mr. Bernard says the kids still have a head start. Cap'n Rufus isn't worried. A female teacher asks Rufus to take her gun shopping that night. 

Cap'n Rufus confronts Derek in the boys' bathroom and tells him not to challenge him during class again. He pats Derek down in search of a knife. Derek screams at Rufus to get off. Rufus offers not to call on him anymore if Derek agrees to retake remedial reading. 

After school in the parking lot, Billy shouts Derek's name as he pulls out a revolver. He chases Derek, who's shouting for help. Billy shoots Derek, but the gun misfires somehow and Billy is left with burned, bloody palms.

That night, Cap'n Rufus and Joan the female teacher talk about what happened. Fuller says Billy snapped because he was bullied about being hearing-impaired. Billy shot his hand because he had a so-called "Saturday night special," AKA a cheap gun. Joan waxes poetic about how she used to love teaching and now she's scared of the kids. Rufus says a gun isn't the answer. 

Bob and Tom are at the bowling alley. Bob's winning and Tom isn't happy about it. They bet $100 on the outcome of the next game. Tom tallies up the score and Bob wins. He tells Tom he was hustling him and to keep his $100. Tom asks what Bob's plans are regarding the Widow Hanson. Bob wants to marry her if it works out; he's been divorced 3 times. Huge red flag. 

The next day, the kids are lined up and processed through a metal detector. Derek's friend pushes Mr. Bernard through the metal detector, which buzzes angrily. Mr. B says it's his keys. Eventually, he takes what looks like a compact 1911 out of his suit coat. Principal Montgomery tells him to put the gun in the box with the other confiscated weapons. Mr. Bernard does, but looks despondent.

Outside, Lynette gives Cosmo her gun and some money. He has a backpack full of weapons he's planning to smuggle into school. Judy slips into Cap'n Rufus's science lab. Lynette comes into school and stands with her ear to the lab's door. She overhears Judy and Rufus discussing police business. 

After Rufus's class, he asks Derek if he's considered his offer about the reading class. The exchange is puzzling, like Cap'n Rufus forgot that he isn't really a teacher and as such has no pull with the school. 

Judy goes to the deserted cafeteria to buy a gun from Cosmo. She asks if it'll explode like Billy's. Comso promises it won't. Judy pays, then tells him he's under arrest. Lynette comes into the cafeteria with her gun. Judy pulls her backup and stands with a gun pointed at each suspect. "A cop steals my boyfriend?" Lynette asks.

Lynette starts shooting as Cosmo and Judy duck and cover. Cosmo is hit in the arm. Lynette's gun jams. She tries to run away, but Judy stops her and Lynette drops the gun.

We see Mr. Antonini walking up a staircase in the school. Cap'n Rufus lectures his class about weapons. In the office, the secretary is glad to see Mr. Antonini again; he says he's feeling better. Secretary says Mr. Antonini's things are packed and waiting for him. The principal isn't in because of yesterday's "unfortunate incident". Tears fill Mr. Antonini's eyes as he says, "That's too bad." He asks how his class is doing.

In science class, Derek stands up to his best friend JoJo. Cap'n Rufus is paged to the office, so he asks Derek to monitor the classroom. A short time later, Mr. Antonini walks into the science lab, where chaos is reigning. Some kids are lighting their textbooks on fire with the Bunsen burners.

Mr. Antonini locks the door and paces the room. The kids settle down. He opens his briefcase and takes out a full-size 1911. Everyone is stunned. Mr. Antonini picks up his lesson on the sun.

Cap'n Rufus calls for backup from the office. The secretary shows how dumb she is by saying, "You're a policeman and you like to sub?"

Back to the science lab. Mr. Antonini is sounding more and more deranged. He shoots his globe. He threatens to shoot Derek if he's interrupted again. JoJo eyes the gun in his desk. Cap'n Rufus is outside and Mr. Bernard rushes over with his gun and another male teacher who's packing heat.

Mr. Bernard assumes it's a student. Rufus tells him it's Mr. Antonini and says Mr. B is under arrest. 

"If you haven't been bad, then there's nothing to worry about," Mr. Antonini tells his terrified students. 

Cap'n Rufus informs Mr. Bernard that weapons permits aren't valid on school grounds.

Mr. Antonini catches JoJo going for his gun and orders him to put his hands on the desk. He tells JoJo to apologize to the class. Derek stands up to shield his friend. Cap'n Rufus unlocks the science lab door and bursts in, yelling, "POLICE!"

Cap'n Rufus sees Derek and JoJo wrestling for JoJo's gun. He pushes Mr. Antonini out of the line of fire. Two uniformed cops arrive to drag Mr. Antonini out. JoJo is arrested too.

Tom parks his car in front of Bob's apartment building and gets out. Piles of his mother's belongings are sitting on the sidewalk. Widow Hanson is moving out after 2 whole days of cohabitation. Tom's immediately suspicious that Tom has abused her. Widow Hanson confesses, "Bob wasn't very good in bed."

Understandably, Tom doesn't want to hear any more. He chuckles nervously and says, "I don't wanna hear all the seamy details. Let's just get this stuff in the car." Widow Hanson then tells her son that she didn't know Bob wasn't good at sex because they hadn't slept together before she moved in.

And on that lovely note, end of episode.