Case #2.19: "Raising Marijuana"

On the docks at night, men move large blue-wrapped bundles of something around. A mustached man with a flashlight approaches a group of boys who are lined up and asks, "16-18 years old?" Two grin and hold up their IDs. The dock worker continues, "You gotta be able to drive. You gotta be able to be bailed out. I don't want anyone callin' your parents." This after-school job seems legit.

The dock worker leads the boys off. Two stay behind: Denim Jacket and Down Vest. "Ganja, mon," says Denim Jacket, confirming my hunch. One of them slaps a magnetic decal that says Port Albert Lumber onto a pickup truck. Denim Jacket tells his friend he'll see him at breakfast and drives off. 

A party is going on at a large, modern cabin in the woods. The owner takes a phone call and asks a boy in an ugly sweater to find someone named Bob.

On some stretch of road, Denim Jacket has been pulled over by the police for speeding. "Write it up, I'll keep an eye on it," the kid says and tries to walk away. The cop grabs his jacket and asks what's in the truck. Denim Jacket says it's just stuff. "Stuff of an agricultural nature?" asks the cop. The kid looks confused by such a big word.

The cop informs Denim Jacket that there's a fruit fly quarantine and goes to see what's in the truck. He opens the camper top, reaches inside, and sniffs at his fingers. Denim Jacket sighs and slumps against the truck, realizing he's caught. "This sure ain't peat moss," quips the cop. Theme song.

Judy's date screams at her in the middle of a very nice restaurant: "I don't need this from you! I take you to a nice place, I expect you to act accordingly!" People are staring. Judy looks embarrassed, as would I, and slightly scared. She asks Tony to calm down, to which he responds, "SHUT UP, JUDY!" Aw, hell naw! The waiter says the restaurant doesn't want trouble. "THEN BACK OFF!" bellows Tony.

Judy wants Tony to sit down. Tony says they're leaving and takes a few more gulps of wine. When Judy stands up, he pushes her back into her chair. A man in a brown leather jacket informs Tony that it's time for him to leave; Tony refuses initially, but backs down after a staring contest. 

Judy sighs. Leather Jacket says she's welcome. "You don't know what you just did," Judy says. The cabin owner from earlier approaches and offers to pay Judy's bill. He's exuding this kind of To Catch a Predator vibe, but Judy must not notice because she accepts.

Later, Judy is standing on the cabin's back deck drinking a glass of wine. The owner, Charles, joins her. He's still creepy and she still doesn't catch on. 

Cap'n Rufus says highway patrol pulled over a kid named Cole who was hauling 1,200 pounds of marijuana. He thinks Cole is working for a major trafficker named Charles Green and hands them a mugshot; it's Charles the cabin owner. But seriously? He grows pot and his last name is Green? That's just lazy writing. 

Judy is typing on a computer at her desk, closely watched by Tony, the guy who was screaming at her in the restaurant. It turns out the date from hell was a set-up to see if Charles would pick up Judy. Tony is a narcotics detective. The investigation into Charles is a joint operation between narcotics and Jump Street division because of Charles using juveniles. "The way to get Charles is on CCE, operating a continuing criminal enterprise," Tony says.

Tony's plan will require a lot of paperwork. He'll write down all the "names, places, and faces" Judy gives him and they'll see if any of them will tie to one specific enterprise. Cap'n Rufus agrees to the plan.

Harry complains that he doesn't know anything about boats. Doug says, "I'm going to Surfer High and I don't even tan." Harry thinks they'll be the biggest geeks in school. "Hey! I think we are!" Doug exclaims.

At the high school, Denim Jacket AKA Cole regales his friends with the story of the stupid cop who thought he was hauling peat moss. Doug looks up from an art project. His hair is messy, he has a fake mole, and he's wearing a green-and-blue striped polo shirt. The art teacher tells the students to get back to work on their sculptures. Enter Harry in a shirt that matches Doug's.

Harry tosses Doug a roll of paper towels and some masking tape. They stretch the paper towels around the classroom making a sort of marathon finish line. The teacher asks what they're doing. "This is art class, right?" Doug says. Harry adds, "We're doing art." Uh, I thought they were going for geeky, not mentally challenged? 

Doug and Harry introduce themselves as the Swark twins. How stupid do they think this teacher is? Harry and Doug say they're the product of an interracial marriage and were born 2 minutes apart in 2 different countries. 

After school, Doug and Harry approach Cole. Cole says, "You guys are not twins. And you can't be this geeky. Nobody can be this geeky." Again, "geeky" isn't the word I would use. Also, nobody running drugs would want help from the guys who seem like they ride a special bus to school; this is ridiculous. Harry and Doug have somehow managed to get invited to a keg party at the beach. They start finishing each other's sentences again, saying that they don't like the beach or water, but they like beer.

Cole says with a straight face, "These guys kill me." Harry says, "It's not the first time." Doug adds, "We killed a family of 6 in Oregon." Then they leave.

Judy watches the sunset from the back deck of Charles' cabin. She goes to the living room, where Charles is playing with a remote-controlled car. This only ups the creepy factor for me. I don't know how Judy is managing to flirt with him. A mulleted man in a sweater sends Charles downstairs and asks to frisk Judy. "Excuse me?" she says. But she does allow him to frisk her and go through her purse. 

Sweater Mullet brings up the guy Judy had been with at the restaurant: "What's his name? What does he do?" Judy says Tony does "import/export, the powder kind." When Charles comes back, Judy tells him about the frisking. Charles shrugs and says, "That's Bob." He tells Judy she can leave if she doesn't like what goes on.

At the keg party, Cole and his blond friend ask Doug and Harry to explain the twin thing. This time, the story is that they were adopted at the same time by the same parents. Some twins look alike, some don't. They tell Cole that they liked the story he told in art class and they want to publish it in a collection of short stories. So they're journalists now? Are they trying to pull a Supernatural? 

Harry and Doug then say that they're looking for jobs. Cole lists the local options: making burgers for $3.25 an hour, lifeguarding for $7 an hour, or making "a night run for 1,000 bucks." Harry and Doug are excited about the prospect of that much money. Cole adds, "But we don't know you." Doug says, "That could be remedied. You could come over for dinner and meet the triplets." Harry corrects, "They're quints now." 

Doug thinks Cole is strange. I'm sure Cole thinks worse of him and Doug. They ask Cole to get them a job. Cole says, "Maybe." When they walk away, Harry tells Doug that he doesn't get the "we're twins" cover story. Neither do I. I know Doug isn't the brightest guy, but he cannot be that stupid to come up with something so nonsensical.

The captain is practicing his putting when Tony comes in. He lets Cap'n Rufus know Charles used some connections at another precinct to check on him and Judy. Fortunately, they had the foresight to set Tony up with a fake criminal record.

At a diner, Charles and Judy enjoy burgers and fries with champagne. Tom the owner calls Charles over to answer the phone. "Great, who's in jail now?" grumbles Charles. Bob eyes up Judy. He's glad she came back. Bob tells her what a nice, generous guy he is. A lot of Charles' "employees" went to high school together; when Charles gets lonely, he comes down to the living room in the middle of the night to find someone to talk to. Charles is sounding more like a part-time dealer and full-time predator every minute.

Charles hangs up the phone and comes back to the table. He has business guidelines: no guns, integrity, and only use people you trust. He recruits local kids because they can't do as much jail time and they need the money. The most important part of the "business" is reading people. He thinks Judy is a good person.

Cole, his blond friend, Harry, and Doug enter the deserted school gym. Cole asks if they're narcs; Doug and Harry say no. They ask about the job again, promising not to screw it up or embarrass Cole. Cole doesn't know if he can help them.

At the Chapel, Judy tells Tony about her outing to the diner. She sees bizarre nobility in the fact that Charles doesn't use guns and won't do business with people who do. Tony tells Judy not to kid herself; Charles is in a high-stakes business and will kill her if he finds out she's undercover.

Judy and Charles play a rousing game of Nerf basketball in the living room at Creepy Cabin. Charles flops onto the couch. Bob sets up monitors so they can't be wiretapped. Charles exclaims that he loves his job and asks if Judy wants to do something silly. Sillier than Nerf basketball?

The "something silly" turns out to be letting some kids take his remote-controlled boat for a spin around the shallow part of the lake. Icky! Judy slips away to a payphone to advise someone, presumably Cap'n Rufus or Tony, about that night's shipment. Charles jogs over and wants to know who she was calling; Judy says it was just her ex-boyfriend Tony. Tony wanted to get back together but she said no because she's happy with Charles.

Judy tells Cap'n Rufus that she couldn't get out of Charles' place until 4 AM. She thinks this job is insane and Rufus wouldn't ask Doug to do something like this (pretend to be in love with someone); Rufus would if the case called for it. Not to mention, it's completely unbelievable that Judy could even remotely find Charles anything but a borderline pervert. Judy doesn't like toying with someone's feelings because it's emotionally dangerous to her.

Cap'n Rufus is willing to shut down the case if it makes her that uncomfortable. That's also uncharacteristic for the by-the-book captain who doesn't want his detectives to let their emotions interfere with work. She and Rufus leave the office. Tony updates them that the narcotics bureau wants to start taking down Charles' major customers. He wants Judy to find out about the plan and last night's shipment "naturally." Tony knows Charles will eventually slip up and wants Judy there when it happens.

Judy gazes out of one of the large upstairs windows in Creepy Cabin. Charles cuddles up to her. He asks if Judy wants to go away for the weekend. Bob tells Charles that last night's ship bringing in marijuana had to be scuttled and the crew got arrested. Bob says they haven't lost a shipment in a year and a half; something is going on.

In the art room, Cole wants to know what Doug and Harry need money for. They say they want to invest in franchises. Cole thinks owning their own business sounds like a good idea.

Elsewhere, Tony watches some men loading a truck with bundles of marijuana wrapped in blue tarps. When the truck drives away, Tony comes out of hiding. He talks to one of the men, who says they got the truck on video. Three unmarked police cars with cherry-drop lights arrive. The uniformed officers open fire on the men, leaving a pile of dead bodies behind.

Judy and Charles sit by a campfire in the woods. His business is going downhill, but he still really likes Judy. They're about to kiss when Bob interrupts them. He takes Charles up to the house to talk business. Judy says she wants to stay there by herself and will be up later. She puts a trash bag whose contents we can't see into the campfire. 

Bob comes back with another bag to burn. "I really care about Charles," he says, "A lot. If this is gonna end up hurting him, do yourself a favor and end" He'd do anything to keep Charles from getting hurt.

Judy hands Cap'n Rufus a Metropolitan Police uniform shirt. Bob was burning a bunch of them the night before. Rufus informs her that Tony and the other men who were killed were undercover narcotics officers. According to the only survivor, the shooters were wearing police uniforms. Judy realizes that surprise, surprise, Charles really IS a bad guy!

At school, Cole and his still unnamed blond friend are poring over brochures for franchise restaurants like International Doughnut Boutique. The cheapest franchise would cost $125,000 to buy. They plan to steal the entire truckload of marijuana and sell it to make the down payment. "Bad plan, you'll die," says Doug. 

Bob lectures the boys about being careful because of Cole getting pulled over for speeding. An army of patrol cars pulls in. Cole and his friend make a getaway by ramming the car trying to block them in.

At Creepy Cabin, Charles tells Judy about the raid. She follows him down to his private dock. He says she doesn't have to come; she can visit him sometime. Bob calls from the boat to see if Charles is ready to go. Fuller and another army of cops come to search Creepy Cabin.

Judy is on the boat with Charles and Bob. They're going 12 miles out to a freighter that's waiting in international waters, where they can't be touched. Bob wants to go to Rio. Judy pulls her gun and tells Bob that he's under arrest. Bob hits her and steals her gun. 

"There are people coming," Judy says as Bob forces her to walk down the stairs. Charles asks what's going on; Bob tells him that Judy is a cop. Bob shoves Judy toward the railing, probably intending to kill her and dump her overboard. Before Bob can do anything, Charles shoots him and Bob falls into the water. 

Judy goes into the interrogation room with Charles. He says, "You've brought the big, bad criminal to justice. Maybe we can do it right here in the police station." Dude, don't flatter yourself. Judy looks sad.

Cole and his friend are happily driving down a country road in their truck full of dope. They come to a stop behind a long line of cars. "Oh, Kevin, dude, I think we got a problem," says Cole. A sign by the side of the road reads FRUIT FLY QUARANTINE CHECKPOINT. End of episode.

Case #2.18: "Brother Hanson and the Miracle of Renner's Pond"

A person wielding a flashlight stalks into a darkened classroom. The figure makes off with a cartload of biology textbooks and wheels them down the hall. Out on the school lawn, the textbooks are thrown into a pile, doused with a liquid, and set on fire. And I know where this episode is going: the old evolution vs. creationism argument...And I'm not even going there.