Case #4.20: "Last Chance High"

In a principal's office, the man in charge is lecturing a gum-chewing tough guy in a studded leather jacket. Marty's highest grade is currently a D in shop. The principal tells the boy he's being transferred to Taft High. "No way, man, Taft is for losers," says Marty. The kid's options are Taft, which is an alternative school, or being expelled from the school district entirely.

Outside, Marty's friends ask if Mr. Byrd gave Marty detention or library duty this time. He tells them he's going to Taft. They don't seem overly empathetic or even upset that Marty's leaving. His friends just head into the building "to catch the last few minutes of math." Theme song.

In an office building, a bearded man rattles off a list of stolen office supplies that includes typewriters, computers, a water cooler, and gold-plated pens and pencils. There's never a sign of forced entry. Doug suggests the thief has a key. All the employees have been polygraphed twice without success. Bearded Boss blames the thefts on the students of Taft High, which is next door. He has no proof, but a woman from Accounting had her convertible stolen from the parking lot. Tom promises he and Doug will do what they can about the burglaries.

Doug thinks this is a job for "the McQuaid brothers," one of their undercover alter egos. Tom wants to send in Judy and Harry. "This is a school full of degenerates, the McQuaids are perfect," Doug insists. Tom says the McQuaids are stupid. Judy and Harry want the case, so they should get it. Problem is Cap'n Rufus is putting them undercover in the office building to see if it really is an employee. "We're too old," says Tom.

Tom also hates wearing a bandanna on his head, something Johnny Depp would later do as Jack Sparrow. Tom says everybody outgrows things and reminds Doug that he has to take care of Clavo now. "One kid and your life is over?" asks Doug. 

When the elevator stops on their floor and the doors open, nobody gets off. There's no room for Doug and Tom. Doug tells them to clear the car. When they don't, Doug steals a donut from the closest person and eats it. He also chugs the guy's milk, splashing it all down his shirt. Everyone hurries out of the elevator.

At Taft High, which looks very nice for an alternative school, Doug and Tom introduce themselves to the principal by flipping his toupee around to give him bangs. A boy who witnesses that gets upset and hangs Tom and Doug on the coat rack in the boys' bathroom. The guy leaves. "Guess he doesn't wanna miss his 17th semester of Math 1," says Doug, "Tom, don't look at me like that. This didn't happen because we're old." "Just get me down!" Tom snaps.

In the art classroom, Marty asks the guidance counselor Mr. Breck what his first class is. "What do you want to be?" asks Mr. Breck. Marty doesn't know. The guidance counselor explains that Marty will be choosing his own schedule. The school fulfills all the general education requirements for high school, but how you do it and in what order is up to each student. Mr. Breck also tells Marty that 80% of kids at Taft graduate.

Doug and Clavo arrive at Casa de Penhall with bags of groceries. "All right, cerrado la puerta-thing," says Doug. He dances around the room, telling the kid he's making pollo for dinner and they're gonna watch hockey on TV. Later on, Doug pulls a completely blackened chicken out of the oven. He tells Clavo he'll make them cheeseburgers and "have 'em ready before they start singing 'O Canada.'" 

Doug gives Clavo a bath and reads him a bedtime story. Doug falls asleep partway through reading the book a fourth time. Clavo turns off the light and covers them both with the blanket.

At Taft, Tom and Doug see the guy who hung them from the coat rack drive up in a nice sports car. They decide to start to a conversation with him. They have a slim-jim tool used by car burglars everywhere and make up a story about Tom locking Doug's keys in the car. While trying to unlock the door, the boy accidentally breaks Tom's driver's side window. He confesses he's never used a slim-jim before and gives Tom money for the repairs.

Tom joins a cooking class where the students prepare the lunches served in the cafeteria. The guidance counselor introduces him to a blond student named Frances. Tom watches curiously as she opens a cupboard and tucks what looks like a small tomato in her sock.

Tom and Doug sit in the schoolyard. Doug didn't get a lot of sleep because Clavo had a nightmare about train tunnels and white worms. Frances joins them and asks if they're coming to group therapy, which some students do on Friday mornings. She explains that a lot of her classmates have screwed-up families, addiction problems, or are "socially maladjusted, like you two." Frances doesn't seem to be any of these things, so I wonder how she wound up in alternative high school. Doug happens to like his maladjustment.

A male student wearing black loafers, white knee socks, and a black-and-red knee-length skirt passes by. Doug hopes that kid goes to group. "I hope he's Scottish," says Tom. Frances informs them that Kevin has been accepted to an Ivy League college and had problems in regular school because he likes to wear skirts. She gets Tom and Doug to agree to go to group.

In group, a girl says a coworker noticed the scars on her wrists and told her boss about them. Her boss was upset because she wrote on her application that she's never been arrested; he didn't understand that being committed wasn't the same as getting arrested. The girl was fired, but she knows she's not a failure.

Frances tells the group that she finished all her history requirements and the other kids applaud. Paulie, the guy who broke Tom's window by accident, got a good report card from his parole officer. Tom and Doug exchange looks. The kids clap again.

Tom and Frances go to the grocery store to get supplies for the cafeteria lunch. Frances has a theory about why shopping carts always have a bum wheel: "feminists...nothing makes a good housewife madder than a gimpy shopping cart." Tom is worried they're overspending. Frances is sure they're nowhere close to $60. "I thought they gave you $100," says Tom. Frances evades that. Tom spots the missing $40 sticking out of her shoe.

Tom brings up that he's seen her hiding things in her socks. Frances tells him spies are considered scum at Taft. "What about thieves?" asks Tom. Frances challenges, "What are you, my mother? I wouldn't do this if I didn't have to." Tom asks why she's stealing. Frances says, "If I show you, you have to promise not to tell a soul." Tom swears "on my brother's eyes."

At home, Frances greets an older woman sitting on the couch and opens her bedroom door. Inside is a twin bed and a playpen. Frances introduces the blond baby as her daughter Emily. She explains that the woman in the living room watches Emily as long as Frances pays for groceries and helps with rent. She figures, correctly, that the best way to take care of her child is to finish high school and get a job. She takes cafeteria money here and there and says she's pay it back.

In the Chapel squadroom, Doug looks over Paulie's file from school. His admission forms say he's 18, but prison records give his age as 22. "That's pathetic, the guy's 22 and still in high school," says Harry. Paulie's record is for breaking and entering, grand theft auto, and burglary. Harry checks his watch and asks, "Aren't you supposed to pick Clavo up from daycare?" "Not until 5:30," says Doug. Harry tells him it's 10 minutes 'til 6:00. Doug drops the file and sprints out of the chapel.

At daycare, Clavo is the only kid left in the classroom. He gives Doug an impression of his hand in clay. Doug apologizes.

At the Taft guidance office, Tom is helping Mr. Breck reorganize his files. The counselor appreciates the help. Tom tells him he likes the idea of a job counting as class credit. Tom asks if a lot of the kids have been to juvie. "Some of them," Mr. Breck replies, "A lot of them got kicked out of school for ditching. Some of them went to class every day and failed out anyway, like Frances."

Tom thinks Frances seems smart and asks what happened. "A lot of personal problems," replies Mr. Breck. He reveals he was also her counselor when she went to regular public school. Frances never missed class, even in summer school, and has realized since coming to Taft how gifted she is. Tom asks if Frances missed school when she was pregnant. Mr. Breck says Frances had a lot of problems, but pregnancy wasn't on the list and adds, "Maybe you were thinking of Maggie."

Tom is helping Doug with dishes at his house. Clavo's handprint is on display stuck to a nearby cabinet. He says Emily isn't Frances's kid; a couple reported their 6-month-old baby missing and the description matches Emily. Not only that, the couple in question are Frances' parents. Doug wonders why Frances would steal her own sister from their own parents. Tom hasn't told Cap'n Rufus about the kidnapping. "Why do you always do this to me?" asks Doug. Tom wants to make sure he's got the facts right. "What do you want, a signed confession?" asks Doug. He leaves to check on Clavo. Tom says he owes Doug one; I'll say he does!

At Taft, Mr. Breck passes back math tests. He praises Marty and Paulie for their outstanding grades. After school, Doug asks Paulie for help in math. Paulie says no at first but eventually agrees. Doug asks if they can study at Paulie's house because he and Tom are living in the car.

In pottery class, Tom talks to Frances about Emily. Frances admits that Emily is her sister and she isn't worried about their parents finding out about the kidnapping; they don't even know where Frances is. "The only thing that mattered was getting Emily away from them," says Frances. Their dad used to hit Frances with a tennis racket and her mom once hit her with a hot curling iron.

Tom asks if Frances ever tried to get help. She did, but nobody would help her, so she ran away. When she found out about Emily, Frances couldn't leave her with their parents. Emily is happy now and Frances will do her best to raise her.

Doug arrives at Paulie's place, which looks like a basement or shed that's a hoarder's paradise. Paulie vaguely states that he collects things, including a working Cyberball arcade game, tape decks, and speakers. Paulie claims to have a night job and offers to let Doug go with him to work. Doug tells him that he has an appointment at 5:30 with his probation officer. Paulie agrees to let Doug go with him the following night. Doug asks if they're gonna study. Paulie has to see if he can find a table.

At Casa de Penhall, Doug has moved a small bed into his room. Clavo is sitting on the floor playing with toy construction equipment. The doorbell rings. Clavo asks who's there. Doug tells him it's some babysitters he's interviewing; Clavo can call if he needs anything. "Dude!" Clavo says, flashing the hang-loose sign. Doug smiles, gives him the sign back, and rolls in a toy fire truck.

Doug asks the elderly lady sitting on his couch if she likes kids. She shrugs. Doug asks why she wants the job. "Money," the old lady replies. Doug says, "Well, that's...very honest. Thank you so much for coming." 

Next, a guy who looks like Mr. Rogers tells Doug he's good with kids because he likes them so much. He seems the type that may like kids a little too much. His hours are flexible as long as he has notice. Throughout the interview, the guy periodically makes dog noises.

A young woman is interested in the job because it will get her out of the house. She's recovering from a bad break-up and doesn't want to be around when her ex calls. 

An old woman puffing a cigarette tells Doug she adores children. Doug gently says he doesn't want anyone smoking around Clavo. The old lady says she can quit anytime. 

The next interviewee is another young woman. She asks Clavo's name and age. Doug tells her she's the first one who's wanted to know and that Clavo is 5. She asks to meet him.

In Rufus's office, Tom has confessed to knowing about the kidnapping and knows he should've told the captain sooner. Cap'n Rufus hasn't found anything to back up Frances's story about abuse. She never called the police in her hometown or went to the ER with suspicious injuries; the neighbors never called the police either. Rufus states the obvious: Emily needs to be returned to their parents and Frances needs to be arrested for kidnapping.

Tom worries that Emily will end up in the hospital if they take her back. He wants Cap'n Rufus to go with him when he interviews the parents. Rufus reminds Tom of the dangers of thinking you're always right.

That night, Paulie asks if Doug is sure he wants to go to work with him. Doug is sure. They drive off and park at a store. "Are we gonna knock this place over?" Doug asks. Paulie says, "If I did, they'd fire me." He goes on that he's the assistant manager on graveyard shift. They're short on box boys and thought Doug might want to apply. Doug can't believe it.

Cap'n Rufus and Tom go to a nice middle-class neighborhood to interview Frances and Emily's parents. Mom cries and her husband comforts her that the girls are okay. Rufus says they'll give Emily to them that night and will arrest Frances for kidnapping. Pressing charges is up to them. Mom doesn't understand why Frances did this. "I think you know why," says Tom, "Frances has spoken to me very openly about the history of abuse here."

"You don't mean in this home?" asks Dad. Cap'n Rufus tells them that Frances claims both parents beat her and that a social worker will be assigned to them if necessary to keep an eye on Emily. Dad says hurting Frances would be unthinkable. Tom wants to tell Frances himself what's going to happen.

Back in the store parking lot, Doug tells Paulie that he's a cop and he knows how old Paulie really is. He can't stay in high school forever. Paulie admits that he doesn't want to have to act like an adult. If he leaves Taft, he'll lose his support system. Doug tells Paulie that life after high school could be better. "What if it isn't?" asks the younger man.

Tom goes to Frances' apartment. Baby Emily is crying. Frances asks him to come back another time. Tom says he can't.

Doug arrives at home to find Clavo on the couch watching something involving a heavily breathing woman on TV. Doug covers his eyes and demands, "Where's the babysitter?" Clavo points to the bedroom. Doug shuts off the TV. Clavo turns around to see what's gonna happen next.

Doug knocks on his bedroom door. We can hear the bed creaking inside. "You have 5 seconds to get in yer clothes and get outta here before I light your freakin' underwear on fire!" shouts Doug. He starts counting down. The babysitter and her boyfriend dash out of the apartment in their underwear. Doug picks Clavo up and gives him a hug.

Tom and Cap'n Rufus bring Mom and Dad to the apartment where Emily and Frances are living. Dad asks Frances to come live with them again. Frances snaps that she won't. "Frances, you know we never hurt you. Why did you tell these officers that we did?" asks Dad. Frances actually ran away because she was tired of her parents saying she was a lazy, irresponsible screw-up: "You never believed in me! And you'll never believe in Emily!" "Honey, I'm sorry," Mom says tearfully. Frances doesn't want to hear it. Everyone except Tom leaves. He comforts Frances as she starts to cry.

On the Taft campus, Tom tells Frances that her parents aren't pressing charges. He thinks their parents care more about Emily than Frances thinks they do. Maybe she can work things out with their parents. Emily will think about it.

In Rufus's office, the captain is practicing his putting technique when Doug enters. Harry and Judy caught the person who was ripping off the office building: the head of building security. Doug asks to be put on desk duty because he can't find a good babysitter for Clavo. Fuller agrees to put Doug on a desk.

Upstairs, Doug joins Tom in the locker room. He rolls deodorant under his armpits over top of his shirt. Tom thinks it's time for retirement. He and Doug do their elaborate handshake, then Tom jumps into his partner's arms Scooby-Doo style. End of episode.

Case #4.19: "La Bizca"

That's Spanish for "the cross-eyed," by the way. Anyway, the episode opens inside a bus in El Salvador. Doug and Tom are sitting in the very back. Tom is too hot and accidentally wakes Doug up when he tries to open the window. "When we get to the capital, I'm picking the hotel," Tom insists. They plan to leave as soon as they have Marta. Doug makes funny faces to entertain the little girl across the aisle until the little girl's relative makes her look the other way. "Friendly place," Tom remarks.

There's a montage of Doug and Marta's brief romance and Doug learning of his wife's disappearance. Back to the bus, where Tom is now sleeping on Doug's shoulder. Doug elbows him. The bus stops at roadblock where soldiers are gathered around a burning truck. One of the soldiers orders all the passengers to get off the bus.

Tom, Doug, and the little girl's relative are separated from the rest of the passengers outside the bus. One soldier scrutinizes the Americans' passports, another takes a picture of Doug and Tom. Everyone is let back on the bus except for two men and a woman kneeling on the ground. Doug asks what they did and is shoved further into the bus.

The bus pulls away. Tom watches through the back window as the three passengers are led to the roadside. He and Doug jump as gunfire erupts. Presumably, the three have been shot. Theme song.

A car drops Tom and Doug off at the United States Embassy. They show their passports to the Marines at the gate. Inside an office, a bearded man with glasses tells Doug that all he can do is file a report about the shooting. Doug tells him they can identify the soldiers involved. "They could've been rebels dressed as soldiers," says the ambassador. He goes on to explain that this is an embassy, not a human-rights office. He suggests they go there to check their books and start the search for Marta.

Tom flips through an album of black-and-white photos of people who've been executed and/or tortured and some of people who've been convicted of such things. Doug thinks the best place to start is a cooperative farm where Marta used to live. A priest working for the human-rights office advises them that means going through battle zones; war has made the locals very suspicious of strangers, especially Americans. Tom looks jet-lagged and says they can rent a car in the morning and take their chances.

In a dimly-lit bar, Tom and Doug split a bottle of tequila. Doug can't stand the taste. Right there with ya, big guy. They're joined by a third American, a black man in a Detroit Tigers cap named Ben. They split the bottle of tequila with him and a waiter brings a second. Ben asks what's brought them to El Salvador.

Later, Doug drunkenly staggers into their hotel room and collapses on the bed. Tom is suspicious that Ben might be CIA. (Johnny Depp, interestingly, would go on to play a CIA agent in the Robert Rodriguez classic Once Upon a Time in Mexico). "Relax," says Doug, "Tomorrow, we'll drive to the cooperative. Everything'll be okay." He turns off the lamp.

Cut to Tom and Doug being thrown down on the hood of their rental car by soldiers. They aren't dressed in green fatigues like the ones seen earlier. "Hey, man, what about our badges?" Doug shouts at the soldier who seems to be in charge. A few others shoot the rental car's tires. "Now what are we supposed to do?" asks Tom. One of the soldiers mimes walking. Tom blames his partner for their trouble, "If you woulda kept your mouth shut, we'd still have our car." Doug is more upset about their badges. Tom reminds him that those won't do them any good in El Salvador.

Doug gets a taxi driver to take them where they're going. Ben watches them leave. "Better get your passport ready," Doug says to Tom as they hit another roadblock. The mustached soldier from earlier makes them all get out of the taxi and asks where they're going. When Doug tells him, he says, "This road's not open anymore."

Tom and Doug watch as another group of citizens is lined up against the wall. A soldier puts them back in the taxi and tosses their passports through the window. As a soldier gets into a truck, a bloody arm slips out from underneath a tarp.

That night, Doug and Tom are startled awake by someone knocking on their hotel room door. Doug arms himself with one of the drawers from the nightstand. "It's Ben," says the voice in the hall. They open the door. Ben can get them where they're going, but they have to leave now. "We're not going anywhere with you because you're working for the people who keep stopping us," says Tom. Ben gives them 30 seconds to decide. "That guy is CIA," Tom hisses. Doug picks up his shoes and his backpack. "What choice do I have?" he asks, leaving the room.

Tom and Doug are soaking wet as they traipse through the jungle with Ben. Ben is now armed with a shotgun. "We don't even know who you are," Tom squeaks. Ben mysteriously replies, "I'm someone who can get you what you want. You just have to trust me." They hear a noise in the brush. Ben tells them to wait for him to come back. 

Tom walks a short distance away so he's not standing like a target. They duck behind a plant that does a bad job of concealing either of them. "This is good, sit here like a target," says Doug. Suddenly, about a dozen armed people appear from the jungle. The Jump Street cops put their hands up. Ben says the people are rebels and he's turning our heroes over to them; they're supposedly friendly.

The rebels set up camp. One asks why they want to go to the cooperative farm. "My wife disappeared," Doug explains, "We're looking for her." One rebel and his father were professors at a local university until the soldiers closed it down; his father was killed. A female rebel's mother and sisters were murdered by soldiers and their heads were stuck on road markers. Head Rebel asks whose side they're on. Doug repeats that his wife was kidnapped. That seems to satisfy Head Rebel. "Feed 'em," he tells Ben.

After dark, Tom and Doug help the rebels haul some heavy equipment through the jungle. They stop to rest. Tom's feet are killing him. Doug apologizes; he didn't know they'd be walking the whole way. For unknown reasons, one of the male rebels wants to shoot them. The female rebel stops him.

The rebels walk into a camp and greet women who are presumably their wives or girlfriends. Ben, Doug, and Tom sit around a campfire. Ben pours them coffee; he's been El Salvador a little over a year, most of it in the jungles and mountains. He doesn't explain why. 

Ben remembers being in a village when it was attacked by soldiers with planes, bombs, and napalm. The ground forces killed almost everyone. The experience brought Ben back to his days as a medic in Vietnam. The next morning, artillery shells rain down on the rebel camp. Everyone has to dive for cover.

Afterward, Tom and Doug bring an injured rebel to the camp's primitive medical clinic. The man is dying. Another rebel tells Tom, who's lost his shoes, to check to see if the wounded man's boots will fit him. Doug sees the head rebel talking to a woman and goes outside. "Marta?" he asks. The woman isn't Marta, but she turns and says, "Douglas?" all the same, "Marta carried your picture." Doug asks if the woman knows what happened to Marta, but she has no idea.

That night, Doug talks to the woman. Marta has been missing for 5 months. The woman is Amalia, Marta's older sister who crossed her eyes for fun when she shot her slingshot. Marta called her "la bizca." Doug guesses Amalia doesn't shoot cross-eyed anymore. Amalia has been with the rebel group for a year. She's widowed and has a son named Clavo at the cooperative farm.

Tom comes in wearing the dead rebel's boots. Amalia tells him that his name was Ricardo. Tom and Doug will be taken to the cooperative the next day; any news about Marta will stop there first. On the trail the next day, they try to teach Amalia the phrase "Here's another fine mess you've gotten me into" for some reason. Soldiers pop out of the bushes, shoot Amalia dead, and capture Doug and Tom.

The soldiers kick Doug around like a soccer ball; his hands are tied in front of him. One of the soldiers yanks him up by his hair. He accuses Doug of being a Communist, then kicks the back of his knee. Doug's legs go out from under him. He asks where the Communists are. "As far as I can tell, there's about 1,000 rebel soldiers...and they're all at your mama's house," Doug says. He gets another kick in the ribs for his trouble.

In the bathroom, the soldiers attempt to make Tom talk by repeatedly shoving his head in a bathtub of water. Then Tom is tossed into the same hay-filled prison cell as his partner. Tom didn't tell the soldiers anything. Doug piles more hay under Tom's head to make him more comfortable.

Later, a soldier comes into the cell. He takes a bundle of newspaper out of his helmet and opens it. Inside the newspaper are two tortillas. The soldier quickly leaves. Doug wakes Tom up and they each take a tortilla.

Outside that night, the soldier who gave them tortillas stabs another soldier on guard duty. He hangs a rope from the balcony for the approaching rebels to climb. Another rebel kills the guard at the front gate, then blows the gate up. Inside the cell, Doug is startled by the explosion. A screaming band of rebels drives a pickup truck into the compound and starts shooting at the guards. The rebels break our heroes out of their cell. Amalia, who apparently did not die, tells them they have to hurry. 

At the rebel camp, Ben inspects the weapons stolen from the soldiers. Tom fishes through a box and finds a pair of boots that fit. Amalia tells Doug he's about to meet his mother-in-law. The head rebel tells Doug to tap two stones together; it's a secret signal in the mountains that means you're a rebel. Doug thanks Ben for all his help.

It's after dark when they arrive at the cooperative farm. Clavo, who looks to be between 6-8 years old, runs to greet his mother. Amalia hugs Clavo and tells him that Tom and Doug are his uncles. The kid smiles and high-fives them.

Amalia's mother tearfully hugs her daughter. In Spanish, Amalia introduces Doug as Marta's wife and Tom as Doug's friend. "Mijo, mijo," Amalia's mother cries as she embraces Doug. Amalia's mother sobs in Spanish that the soldiers buried Marta two days ago. Grief-stricken, Doug turns away.

A bit later, Tom joins Doug at a picnic table and stupidly asks how he's doing. "About as well as anyone here," Doug replies. He's taken off his wedding ring and is playing with it. 

They go inside. Amalia and her mother cook. Tom makes Clavo laugh by playing with his toys. Amalia tells Clavo it's time for bed. "Cute kid," Doug remarks. Amalia tucks Clavo in.

The next day, Tom and Doug wander around the village. It's about a 4-hour walk to the town they were in before. Amalia asks Tom to watch Clavo for a moment while she asks a favor of Doug. Amalia wants Doug to take Clavo to America: "Here, he has nothing. You can educate him, help him grow." If only she knew how little Doug knows about parenting...

Doug is understandably bewildered by the request. Amalia knows Doug can teach Clavo about love and courage. Doug says, "This is crazy. You're gonna just give him up?" To a complete stranger, no less. Amalia explains that she has another sister who lives in the capital; she hates rebels and would never agree to take in Clavo. 

Even though Doug hasn't agreed either, Amalia calls her son over. She picks him up and hands him to Doug. Amalia leads Doug and Tom out of the village.

That night, Amalia, her mother, Doug, Clavo, and Tom walk by lantern light to the place where the soldiers buried Marta. Doug kneels beside the grave, holding flowers. "I finally found you...I don't know what to say," he begins sadly. "I don't even know how this happened. I love you, Marta. I didn't know you but 5 days...5 days."

Doug starts breathing harder, not able to hold his emotions in. He sobs that he misses Marta. He says Clavo is coming home with him. "This place is so full of cruelty. I promise you I'll love him he was my own." Doug lays the flowers on the grave and corrects himself, "Our own." End of episode.

Case #4.18: "Awomp-Bomp-Aloobomp, Alopp, Bamboom"

Admit it, you just mentally sang that like Little Richard. In the Chapel, Judy, Doug, Harry, and Tom are huddled at their desks in coats and scarves. The water in the cooler is frozen. A maintenance man (not Blowfish) is trying to fix the radiator. "I want heat! I want fire! I want a vacation!" Judy gripes. Tom looks at a centerfold of bikini-clad coeds titled THE GIRLS OF SPRING BREAK. Doug cleans the glass on a picture frame that holds a black-and-white photo of his wife Marta, who was deported earlier in the season.

Harry says, "Can you believe Sal has 2 weeks off? Think of what you could do with 2 weeks off." There's a hint of jealousy in Judy's voice as she adds, "He's in Florida...the sun." "The beaches," Harry puts in. Tom shouts: "Busch Gardens!"

Cap'n Rufus comes out of his office, dressed like the rest of them. Nobody is happy that they aren't on vacation; cops should outrank janitors. Rufus explains that Blowfish put in for this vacation over a year ago. All the Jump Street officers start shouting at once. Rufus tells them to relax, summer is around the corner. "Summer is around the corner and down the road," Judy argues. Doug adds, "My brain is turning into chocolate pudding!"

Cap'n Rufus tells them that it's mid-semester and they're all on cases; nobody is going anywhere. Besides, as ranking officer, Rufus should get the first vacation. Everyone starts yelling about how that's unfair. Theme song.

In a dingy room on a college campus, a group called the North American Workers' Front is having a meeting. "Break the chains, question authority!" one member shouts. Doug chimes in with, "Release the bonds of imperialistic...roughage." The club's president Lance announces that while the rest of the "bourgeois make the pilgrimage to Florida to petrify their livers", the Workers' Front is initiating two new comrades: Doug and Tom. Tom certainly has the right furry hat for a Communist meeting.

Doug tosses his and Tom's membership dues into a box presented by one of the other members. Lance has Doug and Tom stand up. He tells Doug to take out his credit cards and cut them up with scissors to prove he "rescinds [his] capitalist habits." Next, Lance looks through Tom's backpack, finds the swimsuit issue of Co-Ed Magazine and scolds, "This is exactly the kind of manipulation we fight against." Doug asks, "You mean like that college paper you blew up?" Real subtle. The president shakes Doug's hand and tells him, "Welcome to the struggle."

Harry and Judy sit at her desk with an Italian dictionary trying to learn the language. She has posters of Italy taped on the wall. Doug and Tom look at a stack of New Orleans brochures. Cap'n Rufus has thought more about vacation time, but he can't afford to let them all go at once. He doesn't want to make law enforcement into a competition, but whichever team cleanly solves their case first will get a week off. Doug mutters, "We just got initiated into the Workers' Front. This could be weeks." 

Judy kicks in the door of a filthy apartment, shouts, "FREEZE!" and handcuffs a scruffy man. She grins widely at Harry. "YES!" they cheer.

In the Workers' Front meeting room, Lance opens the copy of Co-Ed Magazine. He looks closely at the picture of a girl wearing a skimpy orange bikini and mutters, "Ashley." He furiously breaks into the cash box and stuffs his pockets. Doug and Tom, coming down the stairs, see this. Lance doesn't seem to notice them. He tears the picture out of the magazine and grabs his coat. "He's making his move," Doug hisses. Tom promises to call the travel agent.

Tom and Doug follow Lance out to the parking lot where a charter bus is waiting. A man in a suit approaches Doug and Tom, asking, "Round-trip for an Alexander Hamilton?" Doug gives the man $20 and they get in line to board. He's sure the bus isn't going far because the tickets were so cheap. It so happens that they're in line right behind Lance. They tell him they want to be a part of his struggle. Lance says he's on a mission. Doug won't take no for an answer and asks if everyone on the bus is part of Lance's mission.

The bus belongs to a church that "reduced life to some pseduo-mathematical equation. They offer cheap rates to college students. Once they're on board, Mr. Bean brainwashes them with starvation techniques." Doug doesn't like the sound of that. At the bus steps, an attendant roughly tosses people's luggage onto the bus. Doug gives the guy his backpack and tries unsuccessfully to keep his Snickers bar. 

The bus drives on through the night. "I'm starving!" Doug complains, "It's been 6 hours!" Tom tells his partner to relax, they're almost there. "Where's 'there?'" Doug demands, "We passed Baltimore hours ago!" He wants to suck the jelly out of a jelly donut. Tom tells Doug to shut up. Doug hears a noise and frowns at his partner, saying accusingly, "That was your stomach!" Tom says it's Doug's fault for talking about food. "This is inhuman," Doug goes on, "We should arrest Mr. Bean." "For what? Hoarding Snickers bars?" Tom asks incredulously.

Mr. Bean, the man who sold them the tickets, sits next to Tom. He smiles and asks how Tom is. On his way out of the bathroom, Doug sees a guy with glasses a few rows away eating something. He offers Glasses Guy $25 for a Corn Nut. The guy shakes his head. Doug tries to wrestle the bag away from him. Mr. Bean, who looks a lot like Steve Buscemi, offers Tom a Slim-Jim. Tom practically drools.

Across the aisle, Lance tells Tom not to listen to Mr. Bean's crap when Tom starts trying to use the church's mathematical logic. He's interrupted by Doug screaming from the back of the bus, "I WANT A SANDWICH RIGHT FRICKIN' NOW!" Everyone stares. Mr. Bean reminds Doug that he's a guest and needs to act accordingly. Doug refuses. 

The rest of the passengers, for some reason, cheer and clap as Doug checks the overhead bins for his backpack. Tom ignores him, writing something in a pocket notebook. Mr. Bean orders Doug back to his seat. Doug finds his backpack, rips open the Snickers wrapper with his teeth, and practically swallows it whole. Mr. Bean looks pissed. "We're gonna get thrown off this bus!" Tom warns his partner. Doug doesn't care. 

In the morning, Tom, Doug, and Lance walk along the roadside with their luggage. Lance tries to thumb them a ride. "If life is like math, I'm totally screwed up," says Doug, "I got a C in geometry." Which time? Tom's always thought of life as an equilateral triangle. Doug thinks Tom is losing it and they need to get him a burrito. Lance says he and Doug are a lot alike: "You care and you don't want power to bring harm to people."

Doug asks if anyone could get hurt on their mission. "If anybody gets hurt, it'll be me," Lance says mysteriously. A red convertible driven by a middle-aged man in a cowboy hat and Hawaiian shirt pulls over. "Hop in, boys," he invites, "Unless you's a commie, a queen, or a cop." Tom, Doug, and Lance look dumbfounded. Cowboy Hat asks where they're going. Lance tells him Spring Break. As the convertible pulls away, we see a vanity plate that reads YEE HAW.

Now they're driving in what looks like Miami. We see various shots of crowded beaches and college kids drinking on hotel balconies. Lance asks, "Where are the Girls of Spring Break?" "Hell, open your eyes, they're everywhere you look," Cowboy Hat chuckles. Lance asks him to let them out and he does. Cowboy Hat tells the boys to have a good trip. 

Back at the Chapel, Judy and Harry discuss their vacation plans. Her friend's brother works at resort in Hawaii and he could get her an oceanview room cheap. Harry wants to visit a girl in San Diego and stay at the famous (and supposedly haunted) Hotel Del Coronado. The phone rings and Cap'n Rufus answers: "You followed him...Florida! You guys better be pullin' my leg."

On the beach, Doug warns Tom that Lance is getting close to the payphone. "Three French poodles and a box of Q-Tips, thank you," Tom says nonsensically before hanging up. 

In the Chapel, Cap'n Rufus laughs, but gets a slightly menacing look on his face as he hangs up.

Doug reports to Lance that Tom's called "all the crappy hotels" and none of them have vacancies. Lance, fortunately, has managed to get them a room nearby. Unfortunately, it's the same beachfront motel where several fraternities are having a loud, raucous pool party. Tom thinks this could be his living hell. 

A guy in a neon pink Harvard T-shirt invites them to play a drinking game involving math with a couple of guys in Tri Lambda polos. "It's not just a drinking game, it's also a mental exercise," says Harvard dude in a fake surfer's drawl. In the same voice, Doug responds, "So, like, while they're building their brain cells, they're also killing them at the same time."

Harvard Guy asks where they're from. "What'sa Matta U," Lance replies. Harvard Guy thinks it sounds familiar. Tom and Doug wonder what Lance's mission is. Tom walks around the pool edge and finds Lance's backpack: black with a red sickle and hammer printed on it. He roots through it and finds the picture from the magazine. Tom pockets it.

At the keg, Harvard Guy shows Tom the GIRLS OF SPRING BREAK centerfold and says they were all bitches except for the one in the orange bikini. Harvard Guy adds that Orange Bikini was on a mission. She's staying at high-rise hotel that's 2 blocks down, 3 blocks up. Harvard Guy isn't sure, though, because he was so drunk the day before that he thought he was in Morocco.

Lance has gotten into some kind of confrontation with the Tri Lambdas. He doesn't want to pay for more than half the room; the frat guys want him to pay for the whole thing. Harvard Guy says he and his frat brothers already invested their half of the room rate into a keg. He wants to play against one of them in the drinking game; whoever passes out has to find somewhere else to stay. Lance isn't good at drinking and Doug isn't good at math, so this won't end well.

Lance loses the first round and has to chug his cup of beer. Tom tries to wave Doug over. Doug motions for Tom to go by himself. Lance loses round 2 and has to chug again.

Tom tries to weave his way through the mob to get to the high-rise hotel. Back to Lance as he chugs another cup. He looks sick. Doug advises him to give up, but Lance won't. Tom seems to be lost. Lance passes out. Doug helps him up. Lance mumbles that they have to cruise the strip. "We don't have a car," Doug reminds him, "And even if we did, you couldn't drive it." Lance will walk then.

On the sidewalk, Tom admits he's officially lost. Doug leaves a note on the motel bulletin board telling Tom that he went to Blowfish's condo on 1175 Oceanview Drive. Tom crumples up the picture and tosses it toward a nearby Dumpster, accidentally hitting a girl in the head. She turns and asks, "Do you mind?" She has more clothes on, but it's definitely Ashley from the photo.

We hear Lance vomiting loudly onto the ground somewhere off camera. Doug winces, makes faces, and shivers. Lance crawls into view on his hands and knees and asks if Doug has any gum. Doug helps him up. Lance vows that he's never drinking again. It appears they're in a cemetery. Doug asks why they came to Florida. "I can't find my eyeballs," slurs Lance. Doug pats him and reassures him, "They're still there."

On the porch of Blowfish's condo, his two daughters are squirting him with water guns. Doug appears with Lance leaning heavily on one of his shoulders. "Penhall?!" Blowfish cries. Doug introduces Lance. Lance knows Blowfish; Comrade Banducci is very active "in the movement." That's news to Doug. "It's a pleasure to--" is all Lance gets out before he starts retching again. "Likewise," Blowfish says somewhat sarcastically.

Blowfish asks if "Comrade Rufus" knows about this. Doug asks if the kid can go inside and lie down. Blowfish invites them in.

Back in town, Ashley apparently knows where Tom is staying because she tells him just how lost he is. Tom notices what look like arcade tickets sticking out of her windbreaker pocket and lies that he was looking for an arcade to play Skee-Ball. Ashley can't believe he didn't see the arcade a few blocks back. 

Tom and Ashley go to the arcade and share a Skee-Ball machine. She rolls a ball into the 50-point hole on her first try; Tom can only get 10 points. Tom tells her she looks familiar. "Past life? Separated at birth?" she suggests, "Girls of Spring Break?" When Tom nods, she asks him not to mention that again. "I just did it to tick some people off," Ashley explains, "like my mom, my dad, my old boyfriend Lance. They're just such control freaks, you know? I couldn't stand it." The free trip was also a nice perk.

Ashley adds that Lance thinks they're still together. She says he became "a leftist radical" to annoy his parents, then started to control her. Tom suggests they turn the tickets in for some "fuzzy dice, big combs, and furry animals." 

In the Chapel, the maintenance man has taken the radiator completely apart. Cap'n Rufus asks what Judy and Harry are still doing there. "We're not doing anything, we're on strike," Harry informs his boss. Judy surmises that Tom and Doug weren't kidding about where they are. Rufus is sure there's a reasonable explanation. Judy and Harry aren't so sure.

At the motel in Florida, thousands of college kids are passed out around the pool. There's a windsurfing rig floating in the water. Tom and Ashley pick their way through the mob. They find Harvard guy and the two Tri Lambdas, who inform them that Doug and Lance left the day before. Tom thanks Ashley for helping him find his way back. Ashley thinks she knows where Tom's friends are. Just as they leave, one of the Tri Lambdas passes out, revealing the note Doug left.

At the condo, Lance sits on the porch. We can hear Blowfish yelling at his kids to "put that down" and "stop hitting Uncle Doug." Doug joins Lance outside, dodging a flying sand bucket on his way. He says Lance might feel better if he got a good night's sleep. Lance explains that he came to Spring Break looking for his girlfriend Ashley. 

"You didn't come here to bomb something?" Doug asks. Lance looks confused. Doug elaborates, "Didn't the Workers' Front bomb the school paper?" Lance says that was an accidental chemical fire and the Workers' Front just took credit for it. He became a Communist to offend his parents, but the only person who got upset was Ashley. 

Lance would gladly give up "the cause" to get Ashley back. Doug knows how he feels. He shows Lance his wedding ring and explains that his wife is "away." Lance shows Doug a photo of Ashley that he has in his wallet. Doug thinks maybe Ashley misses Lance too. 

Downtown, Blowfish, Doug, and Lance get out of a taxi in front of a bar called Enrod's Beach Club. Blowfish says that anybody who's anybody goes there on Thursday nights and it happens to be Thursday. He promises they'll get in because he knows the owner. By the beach club's pool, a group plays volleyball with an oversized beach ball. Tom and Ashley watch girls box in an inflatable ring. The combatants are covered in what looks like red Jello.

Ashley moves closer to the action. Tom sits down, so do Doug and Blowfish. Doug helps himself to someone else's half-finished slice of pizza. Ashley freezes when she recognizes Lance. She hails a passing waiter, writes a note on a napkin, and asks him to give it to Tom. The note is delivered. Tom reads it, then crumples it up.

Referring to the Jello boxing, Lance says, "This is gross, man." Doug and Blowfish seem entranced by it, much the way I get hypnotized into watching The Jerry Springer Show. A piece of Jello flies out of the ring and hits Lance. He asks someone for a napkin. The napkin he gets just so happens to be Ashley's note. "Tom, I had to leave. Meet me outside," it reads. 

Out front of the club, Ashley tells Tom she saw his friends and gets on a bright orange trolley. Tom follows her. The trolley leaves just as Lance arrives. He tells the security guard to stop the bus. The security guard informs him, "That bus is for couples only, couples who don't want to drive after they've been drinking." The bus drops its passengers off at the subtly named Makeout Beach.

Harry and Judy arrive at the Chapel. "Heat," Harry says happily. Cap'n Rufus sings, "And that ain't allllll." The Chapel has been decorated with strings of lights, beach chairs, and a table with an umbrella. "Welcome to my island," Rufus says in a faux-Jamaican accent he probably picked up from Kip. The captain is dressed casually and has two leis around his neck. When he snaps his fingers, generic hula music plays from a boombox.

Rufus gives a lei to Judy and one to Harry. Since Doug and Tom haven't called, they can't go on vacation, so the captain brought vacation to them. Judy and Harry sit on beach chairs placed under an inflatable palm tree. Cap'n Rufus tries to hula.

It's nighttime at Makeout Beach, where, strangely, little making out seems to be going on. Tom and Ashley walk together. She asks if Tom sees his friends and suggests they head back to the bar. Tom wants to stay awhile and make some S'mores.

Lance is still sitting outside Enrod's Beach Club. Doug finds him. Blowfish isn't far behind. Lance sadly says that Ashley left with Tom to make out on the beach. It's too far to walk there. Doug flags down a bicycle taxi, shows his badge, and says to the driver, "Official police business! I'm commandeering your vehicle." Doug gets on the bike and rings the bell. Blowfish and Lance climb in the back. As he starts to pedal, Doug groans, "I gotta lose some weight."

Doug nearly plows over quite a few people as he bikes down the strip. They pass a sign that reads BEACH PARKING STRAIGHT AHEAD. On Makeout Beach, the couples are finally making out, except for Tom and Ashley. They sit on the sand watching the ocean. She asks if Tom could find a blanket. "Really?" Tom asks. Ashley nods.

Tom walks up the beach to a place where there's apparently stacks of blankets for people to use. He bends over to pick one up. Doug handcuffs himself to Tom's wrist. Tom asks what Doug is doing. "He's playing Cupid," says Blowfish. Tom doesn't need Cupid; he needs keys. 

Lance, wrapped in a blanket, shyly approaches Ashley and asks her to dance. He apologizes for being a jerk and they start to slow dance. Further back, Doug tells Tom, "That's why we came down here. That was our mission." "Mission accomplished," Blowfish says happily. Doug unlocks the handcuffs. He watches the couples, no doubt thinking about Marta.

The next morning, Doug sits by himself on the beach. Tom notes that he's been there all night. "At first, I thought Lance was, like, this major nutcase," Doug starts, "And now, I kinda respect him for what he did." Doug is thinking about going down to El Salvador and bringing Marta back to the United States. 

Tom thinks Doug is crazy; he knew Marta for 5 days before they got married and there's a war going in that country. And if Doug insists on going, Tom doesn't want his best friend to go by himself. Doug thanks him. TO BE CONTINUED appears on the bottom of the screen.

Case #4.17: "Hi Mom"

The episode opens with two boys who are about 10 playing basketball at an outdoor court under a streetlight. Cut to an older boy sweating profusely as he sucks on a crack pipe. He's with two other guys. Guy #1 (Jackson) passes the crack pipe, but there's nothing left in it. 

They pool their money to buy more crack. The two friends know Jackson has money because "Coach is always giving him bread." Jackson has $30. He collects $20 from his friend and leaves to make the drug run. Jackson drives erratically.

Over at the basketball court, the two little boys don't seem to hear Jackson's tires squealing on the wet pavement. Both boys stop when they hear a crash and run to see what happened. They find Jackson's car on the sidewalk, smashed into the side of the building. Jackson is unconscious and bloody. One of the little boys recognizes him. 

Two men in suits search Jackson's dorm room. They find the crack pipe and a mostly empty bottle of liquor. The two men start sweeping everything illegal they find into the trash. Theme song.

In the dorm room, Jackson's friends are now wearing suits. One clumsily reads the obituary; he's clearly been done an educational disservice because he can't even pronounce Jackson's birthplace of Huntsville, Alabama. Jackson's second friend gets impatient and grabs the newspaper from him. Jackson's Friend #2 reads that Jackson was the All-American starting point guard for State's Wildcats basketball team. He's survived by his mother, sister, and two brothers. Jackson's Friend #1 starts to cry.

In the athletics building, there's a press conference going on. The school's sports information director Morris introduces the athletics director Wesley Williams, who is played by Kareem Abdul-Jabar. Williams offers his condolences to Jackson's family. Williams has only been athletic director for a month, but nothing on or off the court could've prepared him for this. 

The basketball coach, McKay, describes Jackson as "a model student-athlete." One reporter asks if drugs were involved in his death. The university hasn't received that information from the coroner, but nobody on the team tested positive during the last random drug test. Another reporter heard there were drugs in the athletes' dorm on the night Jackson died.

Coach McKay says the university is doing its own investigation. He understands that Jackson was alone in his room studying before he got into the car accident. The reporter points out that Jackson was driving 70 MPH. Coach McKay is tired of every sports-related problem being blamed on drugs. Nobody on the Wildcats could possibly have a drug problem because of the team's 12-2 record this season and their appearance in last year's Final Four. Coach McKay leaves and Morris ends the press conference.

Morris introduces Williams to a new appointee to the athletics council: Adam Fisher, AKA Cap'n Rufus in a suit and thick glasses. Williams is glad to have new blood on the council because they need it in the wake of Jackson's death.

In the athletes' dorm, Doug dumps a seabag full of crumpled papers and junk food onto his bed. He starts unpacking a suitcase that contains clothes and, inexplicably, a jar of peanut butter. The RA sticks his head in the room and asks if Doug plays football. Doug replies that he's a Greco-Roman wrestler, which is good, because there's no way to pass him off as a basketball player. Hey, It's That Guy: Spencer Garrett who plays the RA was also a Pagan god on Supernatural's Christmas special.

Doug starts eating peanut butter out of the jar with his fingers. Sean the RA asks if they really give scholarships for wrestling. Doug snaps, "They give scholarships to the baton twirlers!" He asks if the school's food is any good. It turns out Sean is not an RA, but rather a tutor for the athletics department. Sean writes down his phone number and tells Doug to call him if he needs anything. Doug sticks the paper to the wall with some of the peanut butter.

Someone knocks on Cap'n Rufus's door. He opens it and is overjoyed to see his son Kip, who has apparently grown out of his Rastafarian phase. Rufus brings Kip's luggage inside. Kip is in the process of transferring from a college in Philadelphia to State. Once his financial aid comes through, he can start classes during winter quarter.

Cap'n Rufus tells Kip he's teaching at State now. "Criminal justice?" asks Kip. Rufus says no, it's African-American history. I guess criminal justice would be way too obvious. Anyway, he's only teaching a few weeks for a case. "Hey, maybe I'll sign up for your class and get an easy A," Kip jokes. Rufus asks how Kip's mother is and Kip replies that she sends her best. "Sends her best? What's the catch?" says Rufus.

Cap'n Rufus fixed up the basement so Kip will have his own separate entrance and kind of a mini-apartment. Kip says he was looking forward to dorm life. Rufus is obviously disappointed. Kip explains that he's moving in with a friend from high school because his friend's roommate dropped out.

Cap'n Rufus tries to change his mind: "Roommates always wanna party. If they get lucky, they'll lock you outta the room. You'll never get a chance to study." Kip promises to study and wants to live on his own for a change. Rufus smiles, "It's okay, whatever you want, son." Clearly, it's not okay.

At basketball practice, Coach McKay advises his team to put Jackson behind them. If they move on and come together as a team, everyone will become a better player and a better human being. He has a new series of plays for their upcoming game against Texas Western. Assistant Coach Calloway breaks the team into squads to practice. He gives a guy named Ray Jackson's old spot.

Up in the stands, Morris and Williams watch the practice. Morris tells Williams that the school got $850,000 for reaching the Final Four and made an additional $2.5 million from tickets and TV revenues. At State, basketball pretty much funds all the other sports. This sounds an awful lot like the college Wildcats in my home state of Kentucky, right down to the blue jerseys.

Football brings in less money than basketball even though there are 95 football players on scholarship. (Probably because the football team sucks like the real life Wildcats). This season, they'll have 10 games on ESPN, 12 on the local station, and a minimum of 3 on NBC. State pays Coach McKay $150,000 a year and he also has his own local TV and radio shows. He drives a car purchased by the alumni booster club, does local commercials, and runs a basketball camp for kids.

Williams is impressed. All that adds up to an additional million dollars a year. He asks about Coach McKay as a person. Morris reports that McKay is the most successful coach in the history of college basketball. (cough)UK(cough). 

In the library, a basketball player named Choo-Choo approaches Tom and asks if he's the new tutor. Tom, who's ostensibly covering for Sean, asks where the guy's books are. The basketball player chuckles and asks for "a few grams." Tom is confused. "I thought you were filling in for Sean," says Choo-Choo. He asks Tom to pass on the message that he's interested in the same deal that Jackson got. Tom asks if Choo-Choo wants to go over his history assignment. Choo-Choo scoffs that he needs his sleep and asks Tom to take his final for him.

That scam would work about as well as the fake ID scene in Summer School. Choo-Choo is black and Johnny Depp is, well, not. Choo-Choo tells Tom to talk to Coach Calloway about it. Later, Tom and Doug leave the library together. Tom announces that he's figured out the case. Doug is disappointed; he wanted to wrestle. "It's the tutors," Tom says, "Choo-Choo Lavelle wants 2 grams of coke and somebody to take a test for him," Tom goes on. Doug says: "Well, you better study. We don't want him to fail." He adds that Sean told him to call if he needs "quote-unquote anything." Tom advises Doug to try to buy drugs from Sean.

Doug is bothered by the fact that everyone is so open about the drugs and the cheating. This was filmed in 1990 and it's even worse now, even with all the NCAA regulations. Tom wants to solve the case so he can go home.  

In Doug's dorm room, Sean finds a slice of pizza draped over a small dumbbell. He remarks that he likes what Doug's done with the place. Doug asks him for the same deal Jackson got. "You wanna fix Greco-Roman wrestling, huh?" asks Sean. Doug is confused. Sean offers to call Vegas for odds.

Doug suggests that he could help with the basketball team next time. "I don't know you. And who says there's gonna be a next time?" asks Sean. Doug tells Sean that his old college expelled him for dealing drugs, so he has a lot of money. He points out that there's not much of a future in Greco-Roman wrestling. Sean asks if Doug can get $10,000; Doug says yes. "Then maybe we can talk," says Sean. 

Cap'n Rufus tells Doug about a phone call from the DA. Jump Street will be investigating the drugs and point-shaving at the same time; one thing may be leading to the other. Jackson's tox report showed that there was cocaine in his system. Doug hasn't asked Sean if he's dealing drugs because he was so shocked by the game fixing. Rufus asks Doug to look further into it.

In Cap'n Rufus's campus office, he asks Kip what he wants to be. Kip doesn't know for sure; he's a freshman. However, he's considering pre-law. Someone knocks on the door. Coach McKay comes in and asks Kip to step outside. Coach is worried about Choo-Choo, who is running the risk of being ineligible to play in the next game. He asks Rufus to give Choo-Choo "every consideration" regarding his grade.

Coach McKay wants his players to graduate with a good education, but the time the players have to invest in basketball cuts into their study hours. Fuller promises to do what he can. Coach McKay thanks him.

Choo-Choo shoots baskets by himself in the gym. Suddenly, the lights go out. Coach McKay comes in, giving a tour to a high school prospect, Ricky. He reels off the highlights of the Wildcats basketball program. He asks Ricky to picture himself playing in the championship game. When Coach snaps his fingers, the scoreboard lights up with 30 seconds on the clock and the Wildcats losing by 1. A prerecorded commentary plays with Ricky's name inserted. Of course, Ricky scores the winning basket. Nice little parlor trick.

Outside, Coach McKay introduces Ricky and his parents to Barrington, the president of the Wildcat booster club. Barrington offers the family a ride back to their hotel in his limo. 

In the locker room, Coach Calloway hands out cups for the mandatory drug test. Choo-Choo hands his specimen jar to someone else. Calloway tells Choo-Choo that Coach McKay wants to see him. Coach McKay tells Choo-Choo that they're depending on him to pass his classes now that he's taken over Jackson's position. "I got a guy. I'm gonna take the final tomorrow," Choo-Choo assures him. Coach McKay gives Choo-Choo $100 in an envelope. 

Choo-Choo tells an unnamed teammate that he's thinking about going along with the point-shaving because his mom lost her job. He asks his teammate to keep the score down. He also informs Unnamed Teammate that Unnamed Teammate won't be playing next year because Coach has recruited Ricky to take his place. Unnamed Teammate agrees to be part of the plan.

Choo-Choo meets Doug and Sean in the darkened gym. He agrees to shave points, but he doesn't want cocaine in exchange. Instead, he wants $2,500 because "around here, everybody's making money off basketball except me."

Doug and Tom have a discussion as they walk around campus. The school makes millions off of basketball and nobody really watches to make sure the athletes live up to the student part of student-athlete. Tom asks, "So what are you saying, that you think these guys shouldn't have to go to class?" "They don't anyway," Doug points out. He thinks State should admit the players strictly as athletes and pay them instead of being hypocritical by calling them students. Tom asks how many college players go on to the NBA and what happens to the rest of them.

At the athletic council meeting, an announcement is made that Ricky signed a letter of intent to go to State. A student member of the council asks what Ricky's SAT score was. It was 550. "Math or verbal?" the student asks. It's 550 combined. I don't know exactly how the SAT is scored, but, yikes, that doesn't sound good. Ricky's GPA is 3.0. "Guess his teachers really dig basketball," says the student member.

After the meeting, a professor, Dr. Sullivan, talks about how Choo-Choo is in Cap'n Rufus's History 110 class. "That's the rumor, I've never seen him in class," Rufus replies. Dr. Sullivan knows Choo-Choo didn't show up for the final. Choo-Choo needs at least a 2.0 to be eligible for basketball season; he already has a B and 2 C's. Dr. Sullivan asks Cap'n Rufus to consider giving him a makeup test.

"You want me to test him again for a test he never took in the first place over material he's probably never even looked at?" asks Rufus. Basically, yeah. Dr. Sullivan suggests an oral exam. Rufus chuckles, shakes his head, and walks away.

Later at Cap'n Rufus's house, Kip is worried because his financial aid didn't come through. He shows his dad the letter explaining why. "They say I make too much money. They must be outta their minds," Rufus rants, "The state is saying I'm not poor enough to send my son to a state university. I'm a public servant. I'm poor by definition. Too bad you're not a 6'10" black man who refuses to go to class."
"I'm black," Kip points out. Rufus tells Kip not to worry; they'll find a way to pay for school.

At the campus dining hall, Doug piles up his plate and is pleased with the food quality. "Yeah, some lovely noodles in a white cream sauce," Tom says sarcastically. Sean joins them at their table. Doug lies that he has the money to pay for the bet thanks to the death of a rich relative. State is favored by 14 points and they'll collect if they win by 10. Tom asks if the bookie will be suspicious of a college kid betting $10,000 against their own school. The bookie, Fat Al, will lay bets in various cities so people won't suspect the game is fixed.

Doug asks what will happen if State wins by more than 14 points. "Then we're in major freakin' trouble," Sean replies simply. Tom is nervous about getting caught. Doug wants to go with Sean when he places the bet.

In Cap'n Rufus's campus office, he hands Choo-Choo his grade slip. Choo-Choo is not happy: "You're jeopardizing my career, my livelihood." Everyone has been saying he's a first-round NBA draft pick since freshman year of high school. Rufus asks if he saw what the slip says. "Yeah, it says you hate basketball players," says Choo-Choo.

Cap'n Rufus asks Choo-Choo to read the grade slip aloud. Choo-Choo stares blankly at the paper. Fuller tells him that he passed, then asks, "You can't read, can you?" Choo-Choo looks guilty. Fuller asks the basketball player if he remembers the last time he opened a book. Choo-Choo thinks it was 9th grade; star athletes don't need to study.

At the Chapel, Doug tells Cap'n Rufus that he and Tom placed their bet. Rufus says it doesn't matter because he's shutting the investigation down. He flunked Choo-Choo, meaning he won't be eligible for the game. Rufus is upset that State admitted someone who is illiterate just because they're good at basketball. He doesn't want to keep Choo-Choo from trying out for the NBA because the kid isn't qualified to do anything else. Doug thinks this qualifies as obstruction of justice. And he's right.

The next day, Coach McKay approaches Cap'n Rufus. Rufus refuses to change the grade. Dr. Sullivan just showed Choo-Choo's card to the coach; Choo-Choo got a C. He asks if Fuller is coming to the game that night. Without waiting for an answer, Coach McKay says, "See you there."

That night, we see the crowds filing into the basketball arena and vaguely hear the cheerleaders shouting their cheers. Sean gives the two little boys from the episode's beginning free tickets. They happily run inside. Sean has tickets for Doug and Tom too.

Cap'n Rufus goes to Williams' office and tells him that Dr. Sullivan changed Choo-Choo's grade without permission. It's 20 minutes 'til game time and he wants Choo-Choo pulled out. Williams will let him play, even though Williams knows about the point shaving. He wants to trust Choo-Choo to do the right thing.

The basketball game is in full swing. Tom, Doug, Sean, the two kids, Williams, and Fuller are all in the stands. Texas Western is winning with 20 seconds left in the game. Coach McKay calls a timeout and benches Choo-Choo. The students still chant his name in support.

After the game, Choo-Choo is sitting in the locker room when he's summoned for another meeting with Coach McKay. Coach isn't alone in his office; Tom and Doug are there too. They flash their badges. Somehow, they make it out of the office in time to arrest Sean outside the arena. Sean isn't worried because his daddy is a lawyer.

Williams fires Coach McKay for violating various clauses of his contraction and NCAA regulations. "I don't like what I've seen and it doesn't have to be this way," Williams says calmly. Coach McKay spits, "Tell it to the alumni!"

Next, Williams talks to Choo-Choo. His days as a Wildcat are over too. Choo-Choo asks for another chance. Williams promises that Choo-Choo can remain a student as long as he doesn't end up in jail over the point shaving. He also tells Choo-Choo to learn to read. I think it's too late for that.

At another press conference, Williams announces Coach McKay's and Assistant Coach Calloway's resignation have both resigned. Choo-Choo is suspended. Williams also will be making a big change to State's athletic program; future freshmen will need a minimum of 750 on the SAT and a C average in high school: "All student-athletes must realize that they are students first. That attitude must start at the junior high and high school levels. Not everyone can make the pros."
Reporters shout questions like how Choo-Choo got through 2 1/2 years of college without anyone knowing he couldn't read.

Kip goes to visit his dad. It must be late because Cap'n Rufus answers the door in his bathrobe. Dorm life isn't what it's cracked up to be as far as Kip is concerned; he's been locked out of his room 3 times this week. Kip asks if he can still live in the basement; it would save money on dorm fees. Rufus asks if Kip is just saying this because of the money. Kip says no, he really does want to live with his dad. Rufus gives Kip the key to the basement entrance.

On the basketball court from the opening scene, one of the boys shouts that Choo-Choo dropped out of State to go to the NBA draft. He's getting $1 million guaranteed if he gets drafted. "All right!" the boys shout and high-five each other. End of episode.