- "A Penhall cover comes with a lifetime guarantee."
- Doug: "Personally, I hope there's a heaven or somethin' where I can still catch Monday Night Football."
Tom: "Always the intellectual."
- (when asked what vitamins he does) "Did Wilma this morning and I'm thinkin' about doin' Fred or Dino tomorrow."
- (on the phone when he and Dorothy argue about what vegetable to serve with meatloaf) "Peas are fine. Carrots, lizard eggs, it doesn't matter!"
- (about the time he dated identical twins) "I was madly in love...or at least filled with lust."
- "According to the Penhall rules of dating, it's not the next day 'til the sun actually rises."
- "I'm not married. I'm in hell."