In a high school hallway, a girl gleefully describes the lead singer's purple Spandex pants at a concert she recently attended. Leather jacket-clad Johnny is smoking and making evening plans with a blond girl in a cropped white T-shirt and leather jacket. Johnny looks like a knockoff version of Rob Lowe. Two jocks tell Johnny to go back to New Jersey.
Hey now. My parents are from the Garden State and I think that place has suffered enough in recent years. First the horribly inaccurate Jersey Shore stereotypes (news flash, those idiots weren't even from Jersey). And then of course, Hurricane Sandy hit and they're still picking up the pieces from that.
Johnny also takes offense to this remark. We also learn that Leather Jacket Girl is Jock #1's sister. Johnny throws a hilariously bad knee strike followed by a wild swing at Jock #2. Jock #1 throws him against a locker and tackles him to the floor.
Someone yells "Cut!" Jock #1 and Johnny continue wrestling. Doug and Tom watch as the crew goes to pull the combatants apart. "He gets $4 million for that?" asks Doug. Even the worst fight scenes on Walker, Texas Ranger looked better than what I just witnessed. Jock #1 and Johnny are finally separated. They trade insults for a moment, then Jeremy (the actor playing Johnny) heads for his chair. It's clear that Jeremy is the star of whatever train wreck TV show they're shooting.
Jeremy is under the impression that Doug and Tom are rent-a-cop bodyguards. He's glad because he hates real cops: "They're all fat and stupid." Doug repeats: "Fat and stupid?" I think Jeremy touched a nerve. Jeremy offers to buy them dinner when shooting ends "if you can get me back to the hotel without 100 kids tearing my hair out." Oh, please, honey, you ain't that cute. Tom sums up the audience's thoughts at the moment: "Charming guy."
Doug tosses a script labeled Streetwise onto the squadroom table, complaining about his new assignment. Cap'n Rufus reminds them that Jeremy has been receiving threatening mail. "Where do I send mine?" asks Doug. Tom calls Jeremy a dink. Why he's using a derogatory word for Asians about a white guy, I don't know. I would classify Jeremy more as a giant tool.
Jump Street is under orders from the mayor and chief of police to guard Jeremy while he's in town. Movies and TV shows shooting in the area bring a lot of money into the local economy. Streetwise is apparently a $15 million venture. Are they kidding? It looks like a bad Lifetime movie. Cap'n Rufus tells Tom and Doug they're stuck "unless [they] wanna join the detail clearing bums off the street for the Pope's visit." But wouldn't the Pope want to minister to unfortunate souls?
Jeremy was arrested last year for assaulting a maitre d. He also drove his Ferrari into a hotel pool. Judy joins the group, asking how Jeremy looks in person. She'll be able to find out herself when he joins them for lunch. She wants to know what the movie is about. Doug puts on his best TV announcer voice: "Streetwise. The story of a tough kid from Jersey who wreaks havoc on a nice suburban school." Harry thinks it sounds pretty good. Doug goes on, "He beats guys up and chicks fall at his feet." Well, that works for football and hockey players.
"You just don't like a movie unless some musclebound fool is blowing away cretins from outer space with a flamethrower," says Judy. Tom points out that Judy's got Doug there. In reality, Peter DeLuise is a giant sci-fi nerd and has the resume to prove it. Judy thinks Jeremy is "totally fine. I'd let the guy eat crackers in my bed." She asks why she didn't get the assignment. Cap'n Rufus snaps, "That is why."
In juvenile lockup, our old friend Waxer is being let out of his cell. He's buzzed through a few doors into the cafeteria. Waxer approaches a blond named Teddy who's apparently out of crack rocks. "Temporary setback," Teddy assures him before accusing Waxer of giving him bunk to sell. Waxer knocks Teddy's tray off the table. Several boys stand up to bar the cafeteria door.
Teddy says he'll deal with customers that can read and write. Probably supposed to be some kind of racial jab. Waxer and Teddy start fighting as their fellow inmates cheer them on. For some reason, there are no guards in this juvie facility. Teddy's got a bloody nose and likely a concussion before two adult men arrive to stop the fight.
Mr. Jackson, the black staff member, calls Waxer scum. "I'm not scum; I'm a victim of my environment," sasses Waxer. Mr. Jackson says, "Who are you kiddin', Waxer? You grew up in a better neighborhood than the one I live in now." The white staff member states the obvious: Teddy is hurt pretty bad and needs the infirmary. Mr. Jackson handcuffs Waxer, but Waxer still manages to kick Teddy while he's down.
On the Streetwise set, Jeremy is on the way to his trailer, surrounded by a mob of screaming girls. He rudely refuses to sign an autograph for one of them. He tells Tom to have the limo pulled around. "What a mook!" says Doug, "You think if I killed him there'd be a jury in the world that'd convict me?"
A girl with glasses and frizzy hair approaches them, carrying a wrapped box with what a single red rose on top. She asks that they give the box to Jeremy. Tom can't accept it. Jeremy comes out of his trailer and asks where the limo is.
We next see said limo drop them off at a hotel. "It's all clear, Your Majesty," Doug announces as he gets out. Tom wants to know what the big deal is about signing a few autographs. Jeremy invites them to cocktail hour. Doug would rather do his laundry.
In the hotel lobby, a photographer snaps pictures of Jeremy. Jeremy brought Melissa with him (the blond actress seen earlier) and they're kissing. Doug and Tom hear a commotion and run into the hotel. They're just in time to stop Jeremy from smashing the photographer's camera. Melissa tells Jeremy good night and implores him to stay out of trouble.
Jeremy says the photographer is invading his privacy because he lives in the hotel. The tabloids would make it look like he and Melissa are having an affair. "I wouldn't mind doin' the babe, but my girlfriend might object," says Jeremy. Doug keeps a relatively straight face for once; Tom is the one who looks silently murderous. The three of them get on the elevator. Just as the doors close, the girl with glasses appears again, still holding the present for Jeremy.
In Jeremy's suite, he invites Tom and Doug to make themselves at home. He hears something in the bedroom. Tom and Doug follow. They find a different blond woman named Jody hiding in Jeremy's closet. "Switching to boys?" she asks, "That'll make a good story." Jeremy introduces his new bodyguards, but forgets Doug's name.
Jody is Jeremy's agent. She tells him to get dressed for a charity event. He doesn't want to go but has to as part of his probation. The bodyguards are free to go. Jody eyes up Doug and asks if he's an actor. Doug shyly looks at the floor and gulps audibly when Jody says that he's cute.
In the hall, Doug says no one could pay him enough to be an actor. He wonders if Jody would go out with him. "Too much car for you, man," Tom scoffs.
Waxer is buzzed into Mr. Jackson's office. Mr. Jackson informs Waxer that he's being transferred to the central jail. "You can't do that; I'm under 18," says Waxer. They can now that Waxer is charged with second-degree murder. Teddy died in the hospital. Pretty harsh policy for a juvie hall with apparently no supervision.
Mr. Jackson gloats that Waxer is facing hard time. Waxer spits on Mr. Jackson. Mr. Jackson slaps him and tells Waxer to enjoy the ride to jail.
On the set of Streetwise, Jeremy is sitting astride a motorcycle with a police car behind him. A young, nervous actor in a police uniform asks, "You got some ID, punk?" Jeremy calls for a cut and complains to the director about the guy's lack of acting skills. Pot, meet kettle.
They do another take and the cop's line comes out worse than before. Same result on take 3. Jeremy waves Doug over, opens the script, and tells Doug to say the cop's line. Jeremy and the director agree that Doug looks like a cop. Doug says he's not an actor. Jeremy says the other guy isn't either. "You got some ID...punk?" Doug menaces.
The director loves Doug's performance and offers him $380 to do the scene. They shoot the scene again with Doug in the uniform. Jeremy spits on him. They grapple briefly before the director yells "Cut!" Doug lets go of Jeremy and grins ear to ear.
In the squadroom, Doug excitedly describes his movie debut. He thinks he did good because people clapped. "That's because they wanted to go home," says Tom. Doug is undeterred; the makeup artist told him he's a natural. He thinks the whole Jump Street division is full of actors. That's a fair point considering it's an undercover unit. "Sometimes we're the McQuaids, sometimes we're preppies," Doug goes on. Tom interrupts with, "Sometimes we're egomaniacs."
There's some more back and forth. Judy chuckles. Doug thinks Tom is just jealous that he wasn't picked. Judy asks what Jeremy is like. Doug generously describes him as gruff. Blowfish hands Judy a paper. "You said you were gonna give me a picture of Jeremy Wood with his shirt off," she says.
Blowfish says to look for him in the crowd. It's a still from Jeremy's first movie Blood on the Beach. Sounds like an instant classic. Jeremy's character was chopped up by a psychotic lifeguard. This is clearly an inside joke about Johnny Depp's minor role in Nightmare on Elm Street.
On the juvenile transfer bus, Montgomery, the white staff member, take his last opportunity to tell Waxer exactly what he thinks of him. Suddenly, the bus blows a tire, goes off the road, and flips over in a ditch. Montgomery and the driver are both dead. Waxer doesn't even seem to be scratched. This episode has turned into The Fugitive, except Waxer isn't innocent.
Waxer can't get through the gate separating the bus driver from the passengers. Too bad because the handcuff keys are conveniently laying on the floor in there. Waxer grabs his duffel bag and kicks open the emergency door. He jumps out of the bus, scaring the hell out of a female Good Samaritan who witnessed the accident. "Just be cool, lady," Waxer says before not even attempting to steal her nearby station wagon.
Back on the set, Jeremy has a screaming match with the director and punches the him. A local news crew gets it all on film. Jody asks them not to use the footage, but the news crew won't budge. We cut to Waxer in a phonebooth as a voiceover announces an escape from Baintree Juvenile Prison.
Waxer pays a visit to his old partner in crime to get his handcuffs cut off and sees himself on the news. Waxer shouts about how unfair it is that he's being charged with Teddy's murder. The entertainment reporter airs the footage of Jeremy's brawl on the set. Waxer instantly recognizes Tom. Uh-oh.
At the Chapel, Judy goes through a stack of Tom's phone messages. Dry cleaners, his mom, and the payroll department. Judy thinks the last one is important enough for her and Harry to pay a visit to the Streetwise set.
On set, Jeremy goes into his trailer and finds Glasses Girl sitting on the couch. Her name is Annie and she's upset that he never answered her fan letter. Jeremy explains he's been busy filming and asks what she wants. "All your movies, I know they're about me...when we were in high school and stuff," says Annie. And that's not crazy at all.
Jeremy offers Annie a ride. Annie wants to stay in. Jeremy suggests going to their old haunt: a cabin by a duck pond. They can take the limo. She agrees. Outside, she gets in the limo. Jeremy doesn't follow. He tells his driver to take Annie to the hospital. She has a history of paranoid delusions.
Jeremy gets angry and shoves Tom around, asking where he was when Annie snuck onto the set. He throws a punch. Tom throws him against another trailer and handcuffs him. Doug explains the details of their assignment. Jeremy apologizes for his earlier crack about fat, stupid cops. Tom sees through him: "You're not sorry." Jeremy asks if they can talk without the cuffs.
In his trailer, Jeremy says he recently went through a 6-month backlog of fan mail and found 2 letters from terminally ill children, but he never quite tells us the point of that story. Someone knocks on the door. "What? What?" Jeremy says peevishly, throwing it open to find Judy and Harry.
Judy says they're looking for Tom and hand over his messages. She tells Jeremy that she loves his movies. Doug rolls his eyes a little. Jeremy apologizes for yelling and asks if Judy would like to watch the shoot. Judy agrees. Jeremy goes in his trailer to take a nap before the next scene. "He's so nice!" Judy reports to Harry.
In the school hallway, Judy clutches a stack of books to her chest. Jeremy's given her a walk-on role in the movie and she's giddy. They start filming the scene. Judy notices there's a new extra: Waxer. Doug and Tom don't see him because they're too busy playing rock-paper-scissors. Judy tells Harry they better call Cap'n Rufus.
Waxer's cohort doesn't want to go through with their plan in front of so many witnesses. In fact, he no longer wants to be involved, period. Tom goes to roust Jeremy from his trailer. Waxer has followed him. He enters the trailer and draws a gun from his jacket.
"Officer Hanson, remember me?" asks Waxer. How could Tom forget his first bust? Waxer swipes Tom's gun. Tom unsuccessfully tries to talk Waxer out of kidnapping Jeremy.
In Cap'n Rufus's office, Judy watches the videotape from the set and points out Waxer. Doug and Fuller explain who Waxer is to the director and Jeremy's agent. "You guys did a hell of a job protecting my client," she snipes. Rufus points out, "He's got somebody we like too, lady." Rufus wants current addresses on everyone Waxer knows, but Doug has an idea where he is.
Doug and Harry go to the apartment belonging to Waxer's friend Ray. "I didn't do nothin!" Ray protests. Harry asks where Waxer is. Ray doesn't know Waxer. Doug punches Ray in the face and he falls onto the couch. "Does that jog your memory?" asks Harry, holding him at gunpoint. Doug has another threat ready: "If my partner dies, I will hunt you down and I will CUT something off!"
In a cheap hotel by the train tracks, Tom and Jeremy are handcuffed together. Waxer mistakenly thinks Jeremy is really as tough as the guys he plays in movies. He also wants revenge on Tom. Waxer has nothing to lose at this point. The rest of the squad is comes up the stairs, guns drawn. They creep down the hall toward the room they think Waxer is in. Harry kicks in the door. The TV is on, but Waxer, Tom, and Jeremy are gone.
At an overgrown vacant lot by the river, Waxer cocks his gun and asks Jeremy for a big part in his next movie. Jeremy agrees. Waxer doesn't want to play a bad guy. Jeremy is obviously terrified. "I think you should let us go," he whimpers. Waxer's version of letting them go is shooting them but can't decide who he should kill first. Tom tackles Waxer and wrestles the gun away.
A news crew arrives. "What part did Jeremy play in subduing the suspect?" asks a female reporter. Tom lies that he was instrumental, but Jeremy says it was all Tom. Cap'n Rufus grabs another reporter's camera and takes the film out. "We told you no pictures of the undercover officers," he says. What difference does it make now that Tom's been on the news?
Tom joins his coworkers. "Got a picture with your shirt off?" Judy teases. Jody the agent thanks them for saving Jeremy. Harry says they were just doing their jobs. "You do it very well," Jody purrs. Doug gulps again.
Jody hands Doug a business card and adds, "If you're ever in L.A., I'd like to thank you personally." Doug looks dazed and wanders off, saying he has to go call some airlines. Tom is obviously disappointed that Jody doesn't want to "thank" him. After all, Tom actually did save Jeremy.
End of episode.